It's just me, right?

It's just that I'm being a bitch. That's all. Right?

I mean, granted, it's 3:15 a.m., my alarm clock is set for 6 a.m., and I have to work in just under 5 hours. I understand that certain other people in the house work odd hour shifts. I understand that certain other adults in the house don't even have jobs. But considering that the jobless adult in the household kind of moved in without permission, claimed that they were going to be couch surfing when they got into town, and NOT a permanent fixture on my sofa, the opinions of said adult in the house do not matter.

There are certain things I would really love to say to the other adult that I currently co-habitat with, but even in my sleep deprived state of mind, wouldn't dare utter. Why? Because I'm far too nice of a person, and apparently left my spine somewhere back in 2002. I would really like to go back and pick it up, maybe stop off in 2004 and beat myself with the steel rod that disappeared sometime shortly after my second divorce. But, alas, it is not to be.

Say, for instance, I would really like to ask when the hell the idea of spending an entire evening drinking and playing cribbage with a gay man suddenly became SO much more appealing than actually coming to bed with your very soon to be wife?? Why is it that as soon as I walk into a room, you suddenly decide you want to spend time in the other room? When did Sailor Jerry start making a much better companion than "the woman of your dreams"?? Granted, I get that I'm just getting over this God awful strep throat, which if I may remind me, had me driving myself to the ER at 5 in the morning, because you couldn't simply drag yourself out of bed to take your soon to be wife to the hospital when she found she couldn't breath anymore.... I get that. I also understand that I've been somewhat cranky lately, because of this damn wedding. This wedding that I've been left to plan with NO input from the soon to be Mr. of the house.... Because God forbid he should have an opinion about WHO should be invited to the ceremony, I mean, beyond the whole "I only want close friends and family there. I don't even know who half the people are that are coming to this thing!!" (my brain is prodding me to just let loose with a primal scream at this point "BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED AT THE DAMN GUEST LIST YET!!!!")

But seriously, I have to question your manhood at this point. I spend an entire evening throwing myself at you like a stripper desperate to make a quick buck, all to be rejected. You know, I've spent the last year and a half gently stroking your ego, reassuring you that it's okay that you've had a back injury, that it's okay that we can only have sex when YOU are ready, when you're able, that it's okay that without meds, which you can't buy because you have no insurance, you only last maybe ten minutes on a good day. I've done the delicate dance with you that it's all okay, that I still desire you, that I still want you, which I do.... Otherwise I wouldn't have desperately thrown myself at you all night long... Only to get rejected. It's amazing how I used to be this woman that had a firm philosophy that as long as I'm standing here naked and I'm smiling, what more is there to want. No serious body image issues, I get that I'm a little soft in certain areas, a little thick in other areas, but hey, I've had four kids, and I can still see my toes and tie my own shoes... So I'm doin' pretty damn good. But then.... I gain 10 pounds during this whole wedding crap, you only come to me when YOU'RE in the mood, and ignore me when I am... It's amazing how quickly a woman's self image can go straight down the shitter. Suddenly I'm laying here wondering exactly how much weight I've gained since we first met.... Is that why he doesn't seem that attracted to me anymore?


Ugh. I disgust myself at this point. This is why I have managed to carefully avoid this whole institution called marriage for the last 10 years. You have a great thing going, then suddenly you're gonna fuck it all up just because someone wants a piece of jewelry and an expensive dress?? Fuck me. What was I thinking???