My Response To The First Letter.....

You're absolutely right when you say you've caused me more pain than I can express to you. You have absolutely NO idea what you've done to me!

Because of you, I can't sleep in my own bed. Because of you, I can't sit in my own bedroom. Because of you, I now feel completely uncomfortable in my own home. I feel dirty and used. I feel worthless. I feel ugly.

I loved you so deeply. I gave you everything I possibly could have. I did everything I could for you! I opened up not only my heart, but my home, my life, and my FAMILY to you, and you betrayed that. I brought you into my children's lives. And you betrayed that. You have violated me in such a way that goes above and beyond rape.

It makes me angry to hear you say how awful you feel, it makes my blood boil when you sit there and get down on yourself. You have absolutely NO right to tell me how awful YOU feel! You didn't feel that bad about it when you were so actively persuing another woman!! You didn't feel so bad when you were trying to get another woman to have sex with you! You didn't feel so bad when you were lying to me about EVERYTHING!! I don't doubt that you may have felt some guilt about it, but you sure as hell didn't feel THAT bad about it, otherwise you never would have continued with it!!

I feel so fucking lost right now. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I love you SO much!!I was going to get my tubes untied just for you. I was going to pay for your damn divorce just so we could get married.

You have no idea of what kind of conflict is raging inside me!! I want to work with you on this and try to get past it, but I have NO trust in you now! I can't look at you. I want you to wrap your arms around me and comfort me, but the thought of you touching me absolutely repulses me right now.

I desperately need some time away from you to figure out what I need, what I want to do now. But because I'm a fucking doormat, too compassionate of a fucking person, I won't kick you out of the house. I know that you have NO WHERE to go, no where to stay, and I am a much better person that one that would throw you out on the streets to live in your broken down car.

I AM the bigger person in all of this.