I don't even know where to begin here.
I thought he loved me. I thought he was perfect. I thought that what we had could possibly be the kind of thing to last.
I guess I was wrong. Again.
I guess the only real difference in this one, is that I am actually having a hard time with making the decision of wether or not we are going to try and move past this, or just end the relationship. Anytime in the past if this had happened, there would be no question of wether or not I would end the relationship. He would be gone after doing that to me. Especially on this kind of a level. Especially after violating the sacred area that is my home, my bedroom, my bed.
I do not want to be the doormat. I've worked very hard to become this independant, strong woman that everyone sees today. I was the meek, hidden, scared little housewife at one point. I was the neglected partner, the woman who turned a blind eye to her husbands infidelities. Never again will I be that woman. Never again will I so easily forgive the eagerness to cause me so much pain.
I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around this one. How could this have happened? I gave him everything I had. I gave him all of me. I gave him everything he wanted. I did everything for him. I practically worshipped the damn ground he walked on. Wait..... Is this what it feels like for all those nice guys out there? You know, the ones that are honestly GOOD guys? The ones that get dumped by women all the time because they're "boring"? Is that what I'm the equivalent to? I'm sitting here thinking about it, and I've always wondered how so many guys could leave me and go back to their crazy psycho ex's. Is there some unknown excitment to be found in a nagging, bitchy woman?
It's so hard to make this kind of decision. I have to ask myself if it's really worth the pain. Is it going to be worth all the pain to sit here and try and move past the hurt, the betrayal, the mistrust. Because it would be SO easy for my to just say I'm done, we're done, and move on. The pain would go away so much faster that way. But at the same time, I have to sit here and ask myself if our entire relationship has been that false. Because I know that I what I felt was so genuine, so pure, and so unlike anything I've experienced in the past. I have to ask myself if I can truely forgive him and move on and try to make this work. Because if I find that I can't forgive him for this, it really isn't going to be fair to either one of us to waste our time trying to make something work that is only going to wind up making both of us miserable for an extended amount of time. And I know damn well that I deserve to be happy, for once in my damn life, I deserve to be fucking happy!!
What makes it even harder is the fact that pretty much everyone I know is telling me that I just need to be done with him and move on. Suddenly, all the guys that had been respecting our relationship and keeping an eye on me from a distance are coming out of nowhere. I have to admit that I do like the attention, but I also realize that it's only because I'm hurt, and my self-esteem has been shot to shit again. I really don't want to do the whole rebound thing, those never go good. It's just hard because I swear all of my TRUE friends are just as shocked that this happened, and it's very much like every single one of them is feeling the betrayal just as deeply as I am. One of my great friends actually said something profound to me, and I have to say that it stunned the hell out of me. She said "You already gave him your heart, don't give him your pain." Wow. These are my friends. My REAL friends. I would have nothing if I didn't have these wonderful, amazing, people in my life.
I'm just so damn confused. I do love him. Still. But it breaks my heart so much when I think about what he did to me, and how easily he was able to do it. The lies came out like air. The stolen moments away from me, they were so easy for him to arrange. I honestly feel dirty. I can't help but think that there were other women, and it makes me feel like I honestly need to go see my doctor and get an exam to make sure that I'm still the healthy person that I was when we first started dating. He can tell me until he's blue in the face that there weren't any other women, that he's never cheated before, but I can't bring myself to believe that. I just can't let go of the fact that he handled himself like a pro, covering his tracks so well. Lying to me so easily. Coming up with stories so easily. His biggest mistake was that he did it with someone that I had considered a friend. Someone that I actually spent time with. Somebody that I thought I knew. The betrayal level goes so much deeper with that. I was betrayed on both ends. The person you usually turn to in a situation like this is your friends, and when you find out that one of your friends did something like this to you, it just deepens that pain.
I can't help but think that this is all for the best. I have never been able to let go of my optimistic attitude about everything, despite everything that's happened to me in my life. Raped and molested as a very young child, abused physically, sexually, and emotionally by my first husband, raped several times as a young adult, abandoned by my second husband, and so on and so on and so much more.... I've still never been able to let go of my positive attitude. That which does not kill me will only make me stronger, and trust me, at this point I'm one hell of a damn fighter.
I've always firmly believed that everything happens for a reason, and though I might not yet know what the reason is for this, I know that there is one. I have a serious lesson to learn in all this, as does he. What it is, I haven't yet figured out. But I will. I figure this is why we continuously were getting turned down for every house we applied for. It would have been awful to have signed a lease and then find out about this once we were locked into a lease together. I've already extended myself out there enough to have to go through that ugly mess.
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