The First Letter From Him....

Tammy,

I don't even know where to begin. I know that my actions over the last couple of weeks has crushed and hurt you in ways you can't even express to me. Sorry doesn't begin to ease that, but I cannot express how sorry I am to you. And it's not an "I'm sorry I got caught". I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and the damage I've done to a relationship we've spent the last 7 months building.

I know you don't care at all about how I feel right now, but I feel worthless, pathetic, destructive, disgusted... all rolled into one. I've become my fucking father. This is the shit my dad has done in his relationships and here I am making the same mistake. You deserve so much more than what I've given to you the last month and a half. I'm sorry I was too weak to be the man you deserve.

Right now it's so fucking hard living with myself knowing the pain that I've caused you. I would so much rather not exist than live with the knowledge of what I've done to you. I feel so dead inside. I'm so fucking lost and empty without you, and I never EVER should taken that for granted. I absolutely do not deserve you. I did you so wrong in so many ways, and I deserve absolutely nothing.

I realize that it's going to take a long time to get things back to being right, if you decide to give me that chance at all. I will do whatever if takes to help both of us move past the awful, disgusting things I've done. I am truely begging for your forgiveness, though I know I don't deserve it. I want nothing more in the world than to be able to hold you again and be close you. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I accept full responsibility for what I did, and I'm pleading for you to forgive me and truely move on with me beyond this. I know I'm asking a lot. I'm probably asking for too much. But I'm asking you because I love you. I made a terrible, extreme mistake. I would give anything to take it back. I would give anything to make you happy and smile. I would give anything to hold you and rub your back and play with your hair. I took you for granted and I am so completely sorry for everything I've done and every bit of pain I've made you feel. I wish I could take it all away.

I love you, and you absolutely mean everything to me, despite what my actions have shown you lately. Please give me another chance to show you that you are my everything.

Love,
JD