What Am I Doing?

This break up between Dave and I is starting to get really ugly.

He wants to fight me for custody now, but only for our son. How can people pick and choose which child they want to fight for, and which child they don't? How can you swear to the state of Alaska that you are the father of two children, then only ask for custody of one? How do people make this decision? I don't understand it.

I've told him that I'll share physical custody, but I will not share legal custody. He can't make legal decisions for himself, let alone a 2 year old. But he doesn't understand that, and wants to fight it out. And when I ask him why he would do this to me, having promised me that he would never put me through this, his response? "You promised me that you wanted to be with me and would love me forever. You broke that promise." Sounds to me like he is doing this just to get back at me for ending our relationship.

After all the legal fighting over Jennifer, I swore I wasn't going to do it again. I really didn't want to have another child, just to drag them through this again. But then we had Aaron. And in the beginning, everything was perfect, it was the most wonderful relationship, it seemed like I had found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. Life was wonderful.

Then, the relationship started to fall apart. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, we both knew it. It really was only a matter of time at that point. We both knew that we were heading for a break-up. Then the accident happened, and there was a small glimmer of hope for us. Then he got better and came home, and I realized that I couldn't continue to lie to myself and everyone else around us. I truely was sacrificing my happiness out of nothing more than a deep sense of obligation at that point, and it wasn't fair to either of us. It had to end.

I'm so angry right now, but ontop of the anger is this massive feeling of sadness. Did it really need to come to this? Did the kids really need to get drug into the middle of all this? Am I setting myself up to go through this again?

How can I possibly enter into yet another relationship, with hopes and dreams, and those wonderful feelings of "This is the one!" when I've been there before. That euphoria is the strongest drug imaginable to mankind. It's makes us make decisions that, if left to our own devices without that feeling, would never make. It leads us down paths towards destruction of unimaginable consequences. And yet, for whatever reason compels us, we walk down those war-torn paths that too many to count have headed down before us, the entire time with these silly, puppy-dog grins on our faces, oblivious to the pain that lay before our very eyes.

I sit here, with my 2 year old son playing with his trucks on the floor behind me, his sweet high pitched child voice making the sounds of the trucks as they rumble past his knees, and I think about the future. What in the world could it possibly hold for this sweet, innocent child. He's going to grow up in seperate households, have 2 different families, and have 2 seperate lives. How is this going to affect my child? How can I possibly consider bringing another man into the lives of these 4 children? How can I risk exposing them to the pain of yet another man who walks away? Thank God I got my tubes tied, because I cannot face the pain of yet someone else who will stand there like they're staring at a vending machine, going "I think I'll take the one that matches my DNA. Nah, someone else will get the others later. I'll just take that one, the one right there, that still has some sort of hope for the future left in his eyes." How can you possibly let some child call you Daddy, and then turn your back on them? It must be in the genetic code, because I damn sure could NEVER let a child call me Mommy and then just walk away.

The part that really brings tears to my eyes, is knowing that this is the second time this has happened that bright, beautiful little girl, who despite being walked out on twice now, still has this absolutely amazing love of life, and this brilliantly bright smile, and the most infectious laugh. She has this amazing resilience inside her that I have no doubt will get her pretty damn far in life. She has the strength of her mother inside her!

I think of all the times recently when my 11 year old and I have discussed life and love. She is deeply worried about the prospect of her mother getting into yet another relationship and it ending the same way. She is worried about seeing her mother winding up getting hurt again, more so than she really should be. One of the things that I've been trying to stress to her, is that life is full of pain, but it's the pain that reminds us that we are alive and that we have a choice, it makes us appreciate the happiness a lot more than those never experience the pain. You can't live your life afraid of getting hurt again, you can't live your life never taking chances. Because if you do, you're not really living. It's all in the choices that we make in life. Every single decision that we have made in our lives has led us right to this moment in time, and I can't think anything other than the fact that it has all happened for a specific reason. Every single moment in my life has had some lesson to be learned from.

That's why I have to pick my head up and trudge forth. Carry on and all that good stuff. I can't give advice to an 11 year old that I'm not willing to live by myself, you know. Yes, there has been an incredible amount of pain in my life, this particular road that I have decided to travel down is littered with explosions, there's been many, many craters that I've had to cross. And I'm not naive enough to think that this road is going to suddenly turn into some fabulously paved road with nothing but flowers along the side and clear blue skies ahead. I pick my head up and see the ravaged road ahead of me, knowing there's still a great deal of pain left to be felt in this lifetime. But I also see the areas where the sun comes out, and shines down on sections that still have some asphalt left. If I squint, I think I can even see some patches of wildflowers down there too.