I spent a fabulous weekend in Seattle with an amazing man that I've known for 5 years now, and he said his intentions were to sweep me off of my feet, if only for a weekend. He succeeded, but it's lasted longer than a weekend. I wake up in the morning thinking of him, spend all day with him flitting through my thoughts, and when I fall asleep at night, he's the one I dream of.
We recently had a conversation in which he said that we are not exclusive, that there is too much distance and time between us to hold me to anything. I want to be held to something, to him. I want to be able to refer to him as more than just a friend, or a bed partner. I want him.
Never have I felt so relaxed and at ease with someone the way I do with him. I'm so comfortable in my skin when I'm next to him. I can actually be quiet and not feel the need to fill the empty space with endless chatter. Even in a crowded restaurant with tons of background noise, the room seems to be as quiet as if it were just the two of us.
He has this amazingly charming personality that makes me want to cling to him. He has these deep eyes that normally would make me feel uncomfortable if it were someone else looking at me, but he always eases my tension with just a glance. There's this comforting safety to being with him, like nothing could harm me.
Before the trip he said some things to me that threw me for a loop. Here it was, I always thought of him as this guy who would never settle down, a deep commitment-phobia. I always knew I couldn't persuade him into a relationship, and I was happy with the situation we were in. It was comfortable, and I knew where I stood. But then, before my trip, he told me that he often thought of me, and that he frequently kicked himself in the ass for letting me slip through his fingers. When I told him that he must have changed, because before, he wasn't even close to being ready for any kind of relationship, he responded with "If you had stuck around for another 6 months, I would have been ready for anything." The day before my trip, I asked him if he was going to hold on to me this time, and he responded with "I didn't think I needed to.... Thought I had you." And I told him that he did. And he still does.
With all of the things that he said to me before the trip, and as amazing as he was during the trip, I can't bring myself to believe that he doesn't want more. But, knowing his past, what little of it I do know, I think he may be afraid of taking that route, afraid of getting hurt, or wasting his time, or whatever. Just afraid that it won't work out. And honestly, so am I, but I can't turn my back on a second chance for a missed opportunity. I know that it will be harder this time, with so many states in between us, and months in between when we can see each other again, but life isn't easy, and all the things that are worth it in life usually turn out to be hard to achieve or gain.
I definitely want to the chance to explore more of the possibility with this man, it's something that runs through my head quite frequently, but at the same time, I would be happy enough to keep what we've got now. Somehow, with this man, I'm able to be grateful for, and appreciate, the time we do spend together. I know enough not to push him, and I wouldn't want to anyway.
After all, I prefer it when I'm the one being pursued!
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