I've Got To Be Honest With Myself...

I spent 5 years in a relationship with a man who controlled every aspect of my life, and when I finally found the strength to break those chains, I found myself deeply longing for the comfort of a partner. Having never been on my own, I was young, and I realized just how big this world is, and I felt completely alone. I spent many years going from relationship to relationship, trying to avoid that lonely feeling. One year I realized that each time I got into a relationship, I found myself longing to be alone. And then finally I gained enough courage to actually live out there on my own. I learned a lot about myself during that time, became a lot more comfortable with the person I am. It was after I had spent some time alone with myself, when I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship that I fell in love with an old friend.

We spent 3 wonderful, albeit sometimes tough, years together. Then, like any good tragedy, he was ripped away from me in an instant. He may not have died, but he might as well have. He came back a completely different person, memories ripped from his brain--he doesn't remember some of the most important moments in our relationship--it was like he had been replaced with someone new. Kind of like in the movies, when one person dies, but the hospital keeps the body alive and in the meantime up in heaven or wherever, there's a soul that takes over the body. That's what it seemed like, and it was extremely painful, the entire process.

I spent every day and every night for a month sitting beside his bed, holding his hand when the doctors would let me, talking softly to him, reading to him from his favorite book, and tracking his progress, or lack thereof. I was there when he opened his eyes, and it was so hard at that moment because he couldn't talk with the breathing tube still in place. For a week after he woke up they still had the breathing and feeding tubes in place because his body and his brain was too weak to handle it on their own. I was there when they took the breathing tube out the first time, I watched as his body began to tire out and they had to put it back in. I was there when they removed it for good. I was there when he spent the next week talking and yelling complete gibberish because his mind was so scrambled. I was there through the next months recovery phase and intense therapy, the memory lapses, having to remind him who I was and where he was and why. Every five minutes having to repeat what you just told him. I spent every spare moment I could at the hospital, torn between staying with him and being at home with our children. I was there when his mother was looking at assisted living facilities for him to go to after discharge, and I was there at the meeting with all of the doctors and the family discussing where he would be going, and I was the one who fought to bring him home. I was the one who took a leave of absence from my job to take care of him and make sure his needs were getting met and that he was going to his therapy sessions.

Through it all, it wasn't until about 2 or 3 months after he came home, when the therapist said that they were cutting back his sessions because he had made so much progress and they didn't think he was going to be going for too much longer, that's when I realized he wasn't the same person. I held out though, always hoping that he was going to get better and be more like himself with time. Then the doctors said he would NEVER be the same person again. There was too much time in the coma, too much swelling in his brain. Still, I held out. It was so painful, there were times I had to literally lock myself in the bathroom and just sob. I spent a lot of time praying, but I never asked why. There was this huge weight that had been set on my shoulders, and I felt myself begin to crack. That first crack started to create more cracks, and finally, in January, the flood broke the wall, and it all came crashing down. I admitted myself into the hospital for 3 days. Then soon after I came home, we got into an argument and he did what I swore no man would EVER do to me again, he hit me. He didn't just hit me, he fought me in front of the kids, screaming like a raving maniac. I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I just knew it.

That's when it suddenly hit me that I was sacrificing my happiness out of a sense of obligation. It was like an out of body experience, because I was able to step back and look at myself, my home, my children, my life. I realized that things had spiraled way too far out of control at that point, and that it was up to me to correct these wrongs. I told him he had to move out. I told my job that things weren't right, and I quit. I focused more time on my kids, and my home, and myself. Suddenly this weight that was on my shoulders began to lift. My load was a lot lighter now. I went to dinner with a very good friend of mine, and she said that she could physically see a difference in me, that I was happier. I got my job back, exactly where and what I wanted all along, so that stress was gone.

I've dealt with so much loss in my life. It never surprises me when I find out that I've lost someone else. It hurts, that's for damn sure, but it's never a surprise. There are times when I want to just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Okay, I give up. I can't be brave anymore. I can't be strong anymore. Stop throwing this shit at me!" But then again, that brave, strong, determined person is everything that makes up who I am, and I am proud of the person I am.

So I guess, all I can say is "Thank you. May I have some more, please?" But I have one small request. Can you let me rest first, because I'm pretty exhausted from this last round!

Longing For Something I Can't Have...

I spent a fabulous weekend in Seattle with an amazing man that I've known for 5 years now, and he said his intentions were to sweep me off of my feet, if only for a weekend. He succeeded, but it's lasted longer than a weekend. I wake up in the morning thinking of him, spend all day with him flitting through my thoughts, and when I fall asleep at night, he's the one I dream of.

We recently had a conversation in which he said that we are not exclusive, that there is too much distance and time between us to hold me to anything. I want to be held to something, to him. I want to be able to refer to him as more than just a friend, or a bed partner. I want him.

Never have I felt so relaxed and at ease with someone the way I do with him. I'm so comfortable in my skin when I'm next to him. I can actually be quiet and not feel the need to fill the empty space with endless chatter. Even in a crowded restaurant with tons of background noise, the room seems to be as quiet as if it were just the two of us.

He has this amazingly charming personality that makes me want to cling to him. He has these deep eyes that normally would make me feel uncomfortable if it were someone else looking at me, but he always eases my tension with just a glance. There's this comforting safety to being with him, like nothing could harm me.

Before the trip he said some things to me that threw me for a loop. Here it was, I always thought of him as this guy who would never settle down, a deep commitment-phobia. I always knew I couldn't persuade him into a relationship, and I was happy with the situation we were in. It was comfortable, and I knew where I stood. But then, before my trip, he told me that he often thought of me, and that he frequently kicked himself in the ass for letting me slip through his fingers. When I told him that he must have changed, because before, he wasn't even close to being ready for any kind of relationship, he responded with "If you had stuck around for another 6 months, I would have been ready for anything." The day before my trip, I asked him if he was going to hold on to me this time, and he responded with "I didn't think I needed to.... Thought I had you." And I told him that he did. And he still does.

With all of the things that he said to me before the trip, and as amazing as he was during the trip, I can't bring myself to believe that he doesn't want more. But, knowing his past, what little of it I do know, I think he may be afraid of taking that route, afraid of getting hurt, or wasting his time, or whatever. Just afraid that it won't work out. And honestly, so am I, but I can't turn my back on a second chance for a missed opportunity. I know that it will be harder this time, with so many states in between us, and months in between when we can see each other again, but life isn't easy, and all the things that are worth it in life usually turn out to be hard to achieve or gain.

I definitely want to the chance to explore more of the possibility with this man, it's something that runs through my head quite frequently, but at the same time, I would be happy enough to keep what we've got now. Somehow, with this man, I'm able to be grateful for, and appreciate, the time we do spend together. I know enough not to push him, and I wouldn't want to anyway.

After all, I prefer it when I'm the one being pursued!

Some Mumblings Of A Lonely Soul

I've been through so much in life, I've seen everything from the miracle of birth to the loss of a loved one. I've been on every spectrum of the emotion meter, I've stood on the highest mountain of life, and dwelled in the deepest valley of pain.

Having figuretively traveled the entire globe of experience, I've developed an intense respect and appreciation for life, love, friends, family, and time. I'm constantly aware of the fact that no matter how much we like to think we are in control of our own lives, in reality, it can all be gone in less than a second. I take every experience in my life, and strive to learn from it, be it positive or negative, there has to be something to take from it!

I never turn my back on the chance the love someone, no matter the stakes. Some might think that I'm too quick to rush into a relationship, or that I'm too intense. However, as short as life is, I never pass up an opportunity. Yes, I'm putting myself at risk to be let down and hurt, but it's the pain that reminds us we are alive and it is where we draw our lessons from.

Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm having a hard time dealing with the silence in my home, and the emptiness in my bed. I see myself reaching out for someone to love me, and each time I do, I wind up holding my hand to the wind.

I long for someone that I can be quiet with, someone who I'm so comfortable with that I don't need to fill the silence with endless chatter. Someone I can go on endless drives with, with no intended destination. I yearn for someone who can ignite the fire within me and keep the fire stoked. Someone who knows exactly how to touch me, how to kiss me.

I know the perfect person, someone who matches this perfectly, however, the timing is all wrong with us. There's too much time in between us seeing each other to really hold each other to any kind of a commitment.

There are times in my life in which I wish I could just hit the reset button, just rewind and start over. But yet, I'm so incredibly happy with who I have turned out to be, that I ask if I would really take that chance if it was offered? I've survived incredible odds, and still maintained my positive outlook on life, and my trust of people. If I could change the past, I wouldn't know of the pain that exists in the world, giving myself the deep appreciation for joy that I contain today. Having all of the knowledge in my head that I've stored away, I would have to say that no, I wouldn't change a thing.

Fear Of God? I've Got Something Better....

I've had people tell me in the past that it's important to instill the "fear of God" into my children. No, I don't like that, because we believe in a loving God, so what I've instilled is something better. They have the "Fear of Mom" instilled in them.

Being a single mom, and having been a single mom for the majority of their lives, with the brief exception of a 4 year relationship, I have had to take on both the roles of the household. I am the fun, loving, gentle mom that everyone loves. But I'm also the disciplinarian, the one who lays down the law, and sets forth the all the ground-rules. There is none of that "Wait until your father gets home" b.s., it's straight forward in my home. They know when they've messed up, and they know they're gonna get caught and that it's better to come clean.

I might not be God, but I am the omnipotent and all encompassing mom. I know all, I see all, I hear all. There isn't a single area of my children's lives that I don't know what's going on. Some may say that I'm nosey, too strict, or over-protective, to which I say, yes, I am. I'm a parent, I'm supposed to be. It's my job as their protector to shield them from the evils of the world, and to protect them from themselves. It's what too many parent's in this modern world have forgotten they need to do. Too many children grew up with the whole "When I'm a parent, I won't act like that with my kids!" and they hold onto that until they do actually have their own kids, all the while never stopping to think about WHY their parents behaved that way!

Many parent's these days would like to pass the blame onto the media for the way their children behave. I agree, but not in the way you may think. I don't blame the media for the children's behavior directly, I blame the media for the information they put out to the parent's who then use that to raise their children, and therefore, because of the parent's lack of parenting, the children's behavior literally falls apart. Too many parent's these days are too quick to blame someone else for their children's poor behavior or discipline problems, but yet, they absolutely REFUSE to look in the mirror.

My children are some of the most well behaved, well mannered children that you will meet in these modern times. Always aware of the people around them, saying please and thank you as well as "Ma'am" and "Sir". Of course, they are not perfect little angels, they are children after all, and with as many siblings as they have (I have 2 girls and 2 boys for those that don't remember!), there is a lot of rivalry going on with them. But they have structure that so many households do not have these days. For instance, they know that the moment they come in the door from school, they are first to put their jackets and shoes away along with whatever other seasonal wear they have, then it's straight to the kitchen table to start on the homework. Once homework is done, it's on to the daily chores which each of them has to get done before they can turn on the t.v. or video games, or go outside to play. They also know that if they finish before another sibling is done, they need to go help out to get it done faster. It's not fair if one zooms through and turns on the t.v. while the others are still working. There is no straying from this routine, there is no lag time spent wanting to catch the last few minutes of a show. This is the law in the house, and it never gets broken, lest the judge and jury that is Mom will need to come out.

I have taught my children responsibility in that I don't remind them that their homework needs to be done, or to put it back in the backpack to go back to school. This was a lesson hard learned for some of my children, as bad grades due to laziness is NOT acceptable in my home. They know that when it comes to school work, it is their responsibility to make it sure it's done and gets back on forth when it's supposed to, not mine. My job is to be there to help them when they stumble with some of the work, but not to hold their hands through the whole process. We're preparing these young children to enter the real world, not day-care. It was also a hard learned lesson that they make sure to get me paperwork that is time sensitive, for example, field trip permission slips. There have been several times where my children did not get to join their class because they waited until the morning of the field trip, and I don't sign things at the last second.

Cleanliness is another issue. I don't really enforce the whole pick up after yourselves law, only because I don't have to anymore. My children know that if they want to keep their stuff, they better keep it picked up. My children know that I work extremely hard to buy them the things they want, but because I paid for it with my own money, I have absolutely NO problem throwing something away that was left on the floor. I do this on a daily basis. I keeps my house clean, and it keeps me sane. There is none of that "how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your things?" stress.

Some may think that my house is run like a tight little military boot camp, and you may have this image in your head of an extremely uptight home, but let me assure you that it is not. At any given moment you can stop into my home and see 4 very happy, deeply loved children. They are always laughing! We are a very close knit bunch, always knowing that we have each other even when the rest of the world seems to be failing us. It's not an uncommon occurrence now for my daughter to walk into my room each night and throw herself on my bed and begin to vent about what a bad day she had, and how her friends are mad at her, and how the boy she likes is a jerk, and how the teacher doesn't like her,... she pretty much a teenager now, so the mood swings come and go like a great Alaskan tide! But no matter how bad her day was, it never fails that I can throw my arms around, wipe away her tears, and tell her that this too, shall pass. I remind her that I love her more than anything this earth could ever give me, and no matter what, she'll make it through it. It's that close knit family that helps us all make it through the rough moments in life.

We all have our bad days, and sometimes we forget what we have. But in my home, it only takes a few moments on the bad days to remember that no matter what, we've got each other, and that's perfect.

The Military Wife

The average age of the military wife is 20 years old.

She isn't old enough to buy a beer, but is old enough to manage a whole household on her own and maybe, has a kid or two.

She probably never saw herself loving a man who was in the military, but she loves him regardless.

Her penmanship has improved over the last few months or years, due to the excessive letter writing she has been doing.

She cries a lot, because she misses the man she swore to love.

Her life isn't complete without him.

She looks very tired, because of her many nights without sleep, due to a late night phone call that never came or a call that came and kept her up all night just because she heard his voice and now she is too overjoyed to sleep.

As a wife, she is classified as a dependent, but she is totally independent.

She tends to her household, her kids, her school work, and her job, all without her husband.

She manages to wear a smile, even though inside she's crying.

She understands that the man she loves has to go far away.

She understands that he can be taken away from her in a moments notice.

She feels a great sense of pride and sometimes gets teary-eyed whenever she hears the National Anthem, sees a flag blowing in the breeze, or a deep sense of worry when she watches the news and hears about another death because she worries that it might be him.

She goes weeks without a call or a letter, but she writes him every second she gets.

She knows how to convert civilian time into military time.

She knows how to iron his clothes and how to get the creases just right.

She gets annoyed when she hears someone complaining about not seeing their boyfriend in a few hours or even a day.

She may not have seen him for months but she remembers everything about him, every scar he has, the way he smells, and whether or not he snores.

She has every picture of him out and in frames and she stares at them for hours on end, she has read every letter over and over again.

Even though her man is a half a world away, she still manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.

You may not know what she looks like, but as soon as you see her in the store you'll know that her husband is a world away without even having to speak to her.

Shes the one who's half frowning half smiling, she has at least one Support out Troops pin and a magnet on her car.

She never knew that she could love camouflage.

Next time you see her, you'll know her, thank her for what the man she loves is doing.

She will greatly appreciate it and she will smile and thank you.

Just because you thanked her she will smile the rest of the day!

An All New UpDate

Well, Dude and I are no more. Since my last post, things went a little crazy and got even worse than before. After one particularly rough night, we got into an argument that led into a physical fight in which he attempted to throw me into a wall. I reached for the phone to call the police and at that point he damn near broke my wrist trying to take the phone away from me. Once he got that, I went for the base of the phone, and he ripped that out of the wall. All of this in front of 3 out of 4 of our children. So I told him he needed to get his stuff and leave. And we are done.

That was in January.