Alone (Sort of....)

For those of you that don't know, David came home from the hospital on October 23rd. He's finished his physical therapy, but he remains in speech and occupational therapy. He has gotten a lot better. But I think he needs to be in emotional therapy as well.

During this whole ordeal, I've had many nightmares about him coming home and being a completely different person. Being rude, mean, and spiteful. It seems that some of that has come true. He is rude, demanding to know the where, what, why, who, and how of everyone and everything. He snaps at people, gets angry and starts slamming things around or storming out of the room. He constantly talks about kicking peoples asses, and how he's hurt people in the past. (Which, is not true, his brain is trying to fill in the blanks by making things up!)

If he's not behaving in this manner, he's sullen and depressed. Moping around the house and constantly apologizing for things that have absolutely nothing to do with him. He refuses to talk to me about anything, and talking to him about anything is damn near impossible.

Our relationship has become the one of my nightmares, short of him suddenly starting to cheat on me and ignoring the kids.

Gone is the man I once knew. Gone is lighthearted jokes and great times we shared. Gone are all the silly songs he used to sing all the time that drove me up the wall, especially when it was during one of my favorite songs. Gone are the funny name calling we used to do. Gone is the smile that I loved so dearly. Gone are all the great conversations we used to have for hours, the debates that at times would get quite heated, but always made us appreciate each other better. It just feels like it's all gone.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about it, I keep telling myself that he's still in the recovery phase, it will get better. Someday he'll be better, and more like his old self again. I have to hold on to that hope. I never let go when he was in the coma and we were afraid he woudn't come out of it, and I can't let go of that now. But I have to say that it is much harder to deal with this part of it then it is to deal with someone who can't respond to you at all.

I've made some really great friends at work, now that I'm back as a cashier. I've met a lot of the salesmen and had a great many conversations. As I'm sitting there today, me and one of the salesmen were talking, and he was talking about this girl he thinks is hot. I mentioned that she has a boyfriend to which he replied "I really don't give a shit about that!" Quicker than I could actually think the words, they found their way out of my mouth and out into the open. I replied with "Yeah, and now I'm untouchable because of the accident. No one wants to fuck up their Kharma that bad!!" It wasn't until right after I said that, the realization that no one has hit on me at all since this whole thing happened finally appeared. The guys used to do that friendly flirting that was completely harmless and wouldn't lead to anything more that a boost to my self-esteem. Now, nothing. I must say, that kind of sucks.

I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel, mainly because I've gotten nothing but the whole "You are such a strong person!" and whenever someone asks me how he's doing, before I can even start to think of what to say, I hear myself say the words "He's doing great! He's at home now! And he's getting better each and every day!" Besides, I had to break the bad news to everyone when he was hit, I can't do it again by telling them that he's at home, he's depressed, and doesn't seem to be making any progress at this point.

More later, it's late and I need to get some sleep before I go to work tomorrow.

Ciao.