Those cracks are deeper than I thought...

I didn't realize how close I am to losing it until today. It just seems like the smallest things are able to bring me to tears now. I honestly do not know how the hell I am holding it all together right now.

Two days in a row, I almost quit my job. I've been fighting with a finance company that I owe money to for a few years now, and about six months ago I began a repayment agreement with them that meant me paying them a hundred dollars every week. Well, on top of paying them that, they also garnished my PFD this year. I logged onto my bank account the other night to see where it was at, and found out they had put a levy on my account. They froze my account, so now I have NO money to support my family with now. I was at work yesterday, and on the phone with the finance company, trying to find out what the hell they are doing. One of my co-workers calls me, but I stood up in my window that overlooks the warehouse and pointed to my phone to let her know that I was on it. Then my boss tries calling me and I tell him I'm on the phone. He hangs up on me all pissed off, so I call him back. Turns out they were trying to get ahold of me to find out if the repair technician had left yet, because there was a customer who was waiting for him to show up and he was running 40 minutes late. Then my boss comes back into the office and starts berating me about how I need to focus at work and make sure my work is getting done, and that I never see him on the phone taking care of personal business while I'm at work, (even though when he wrecked his car he was constantly on the phone with either the repair shop or his insurance company!) and that he feels like crap for telling me this because he knows that I have a lot going on right now, but I need to make sure my work is getting done.

I was absolutely appalled because my work is getting done. I have only 2 customers in the pending stack and that's only because I CANNOT get ahold of them and I'm waiting for them to call me back. All of the parts orders are current and up to date, the filing is all done, the charge-backs are current, all of my work IS done! The thing that hurt the most is that if you look at his desk, he's got these stackies that are over-flowing with paperwork. Some of it from as far back as January! Besides that, I don't spend part of the day sitting in the other office bullshitting with the guys, I'm in the office actually working! I never take a lunch, and I miss some of the "smoke breaks", so I think I have the right to spend a few moments trying to find out why I have NO money to take care of my family with!

Then today, there's a customer who was given the wrong information yesterday due to a misunderstanding at work, and I DID call him yesterday and explain what was going on, but when he called today while I was gone, someone gave him the wrong information again, and next thing I know one of my co-workers and my boss are suddenly calling me while I'm at the hospital waiting for David to come out of surgery, pissed off and wanting to know what's going on. It got to the point that I had to leave the hospital and go back to work to make sure that the correct information was relayed and smooth things over. And I get shit?

Two days in a row I almost quit my job.

I have started the courses needed to get my real estate license, and my resolve to do this has been made stronger. I need to get the hell out of that company, it's quickly become a toxic environment for me.

My brother who has been watching my kids hasn't been much help either. Each day when I come home, my house is trashed and I find that he's been upstairs on the computer all day not really watching the baby. I'm thinking of selling my computer at this point, so if you know anyone who's interested, it's pretty nice, perfect for someone who is into gaming, especially games like Everquest.

I feel like I'm drowning. I look around, and I want to fire my brother, but I can't pay anyone right now, so I'm stuck. I'm applying for day care assistance so that I have adequate care for the kids while I'm at work, but then I don't have anyone to watch the kids so I can go see Dave at night. I don't have the time or more importantly the energy to clean my house. I can't pay bills right now because my account is frozen. I even asked my grandmother today if she wanted to move in here with us to help take care of the kids and the housework, plus it would help her out too because her rent was just raised in the place that she's at, and now her entire social security check is going for her rent. Nothing else. But she can't do it until after January.

The only part of my day that I don't have to worry about these things is when I'm in the room with David. When I get to lay next to him in that hospital bed, my mind shuts off. But I swear as soon as I walk out of the room, it all comes flooding back and sometimes it just really seems overwhelming when it all starts pouring back in.

I'm thinking too much right now. I'm going to go see David.


P.S. He had the second surgery today to replace that piece of skull they had to remove. Pray for his recovery please.