Starting to see some cracks now...

Let me give you a brief run-down of my past.

I was molested by my mom's brother when I was 5 years old, on Christmas night.
I was given far too much freedom was a child.
I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old to a man who was 24 years old.
I got pregnant at 14, had my first child a week before my 15th birthday.
Got pregnant again at 15, married at 16, moved across the country away from my entire family 5 days later, had my second child at 16.
Found out I was married to an abusive and controlling man, had a few nights where I wasn't sure if I was going to see the next day.
I finally mustered the courage to leave my husband, and had my children kept away from me with the threat that he would kill me if I came near them, and I believed him.
Dated a man 22 years older me who later turned out to be an alcoholic, when I left him, his 13 year old daughter stalked me and even broke into my apartment.
Finally shook that relationship and started dating my psychotic room-mates friend, which turned out to be the most emotionally "abusive" (I'm still uncomfortable using that phrase in comparison to that relationship) relationship I've ever been in.
In the process of ending that relationship I was raped 3 times within a 3 month period, twice by guys I knew, once by a complete stranger.
I was left stranded in the middle of a small town way the hell out in the middle of no-where Texas.
Finally I confessed to my parents why I left my husband, and they paid for me to come back to Alaska.
I came back up here with a pure hatred for men and a new determination to hurt as many of them as possible.
In my search to figure out a way to make a lot of money fast, I entered into the escort business.

I entered into a relationship with a man who hated women as much as I hated men, and together we set out on a mission to break up as many couples as possible, further proving to ourselves that "normal and real relationships do not exist". I went through an extremely messy and difficult break-up with that one that included cops being called, parents intervening, and a lot of alcohol.
At the same time this was going on, my dad had suffered a massive heart attack and was in the hospital for a month recovering from a quadruple bi-pass.
I went through a lot of drugs and a lot of alcohol at that point, and then I started dating a guy who seemed pretty stable and pretty reliable.
Soon after we started dating we found out I was pregnant.
Got married, had my third child at 20 years old.
After being married for almost a year, I get a call very early in the morning from my father telling me that my first husband had been murdered and that I need to get down there to get my kids.
I got on the first flight available, and when I landed in Texas I got the news that his second wife had admitted to killing him.
Wound up stuck in Texas for a month fighting his family for custody of my children.
Was awarded custody but they had to finish the school year there, so I came back to Alaska with a few months to prepare for their arrival.
Shortly before coming home, however, I got the news and confronted my husband for cheating on me while I was gone.
He packed his stuff, moved to Las Vegas and never once looked back or has had anything to do with his daughter.
I spent about 3 years randomly dating here and there, finally running into an old friend that I had a crush on for years.
Started dating him, moved in together, got pregnant again, had my fourth child at 24 years old. Things started to finally look up for me, had a good strong family, a "normal" life, great relationship, things were going good.

Then, 3 years and 2 days after we started dating, my boyfriend gets hit by a car while riding his bike to work on the ONE day he didn't wear a helmet.
No broken bones or damage to his body, but he suffered a massive blow to the head, received a fractured skull, hemorrhaging on his brain.
Emergency surgery had to be performed to save his life, they had to remove small pieces of his brain.
He has to have surgery tomorrow to replace the piece of his skull they removed.

I'm here with these 4 children, dealing with this all basically alone. I have his parents and my family, but in reality, I'm alone.
There are only two people I have ever allowed to get inside my head and see my heart.
One of them lives in Colorado and has no intentions of coming back to Alaska anytime soon, and the other is lying in a hospital bed unable to even remember my name at times.

I've been through all that crap before the accident and made it through fine. It's not until now that I feel like I'm losing it. I honestly feel like I'm barely holding it together here. I was thinking about it today, and if I didn't have these children, I probably would have at least attempted if not committed suicide.

At this point, they are the only reason I'm holding it together. I almost quit my job today, but I have to support us now, and I can't do that.

There's been a lot more stuff piling on top of the accident, and I feel like I'm being crushed right now.

I am so overwhelmed.

It just seems like when I think to myself that it can't possibly get any worse right now...

oh wait. I shouldn't have said that.