Those cracks are deeper than I thought...

I didn't realize how close I am to losing it until today. It just seems like the smallest things are able to bring me to tears now. I honestly do not know how the hell I am holding it all together right now.

Two days in a row, I almost quit my job. I've been fighting with a finance company that I owe money to for a few years now, and about six months ago I began a repayment agreement with them that meant me paying them a hundred dollars every week. Well, on top of paying them that, they also garnished my PFD this year. I logged onto my bank account the other night to see where it was at, and found out they had put a levy on my account. They froze my account, so now I have NO money to support my family with now. I was at work yesterday, and on the phone with the finance company, trying to find out what the hell they are doing. One of my co-workers calls me, but I stood up in my window that overlooks the warehouse and pointed to my phone to let her know that I was on it. Then my boss tries calling me and I tell him I'm on the phone. He hangs up on me all pissed off, so I call him back. Turns out they were trying to get ahold of me to find out if the repair technician had left yet, because there was a customer who was waiting for him to show up and he was running 40 minutes late. Then my boss comes back into the office and starts berating me about how I need to focus at work and make sure my work is getting done, and that I never see him on the phone taking care of personal business while I'm at work, (even though when he wrecked his car he was constantly on the phone with either the repair shop or his insurance company!) and that he feels like crap for telling me this because he knows that I have a lot going on right now, but I need to make sure my work is getting done.

I was absolutely appalled because my work is getting done. I have only 2 customers in the pending stack and that's only because I CANNOT get ahold of them and I'm waiting for them to call me back. All of the parts orders are current and up to date, the filing is all done, the charge-backs are current, all of my work IS done! The thing that hurt the most is that if you look at his desk, he's got these stackies that are over-flowing with paperwork. Some of it from as far back as January! Besides that, I don't spend part of the day sitting in the other office bullshitting with the guys, I'm in the office actually working! I never take a lunch, and I miss some of the "smoke breaks", so I think I have the right to spend a few moments trying to find out why I have NO money to take care of my family with!

Then today, there's a customer who was given the wrong information yesterday due to a misunderstanding at work, and I DID call him yesterday and explain what was going on, but when he called today while I was gone, someone gave him the wrong information again, and next thing I know one of my co-workers and my boss are suddenly calling me while I'm at the hospital waiting for David to come out of surgery, pissed off and wanting to know what's going on. It got to the point that I had to leave the hospital and go back to work to make sure that the correct information was relayed and smooth things over. And I get shit?

Two days in a row I almost quit my job.

I have started the courses needed to get my real estate license, and my resolve to do this has been made stronger. I need to get the hell out of that company, it's quickly become a toxic environment for me.

My brother who has been watching my kids hasn't been much help either. Each day when I come home, my house is trashed and I find that he's been upstairs on the computer all day not really watching the baby. I'm thinking of selling my computer at this point, so if you know anyone who's interested, it's pretty nice, perfect for someone who is into gaming, especially games like Everquest.

I feel like I'm drowning. I look around, and I want to fire my brother, but I can't pay anyone right now, so I'm stuck. I'm applying for day care assistance so that I have adequate care for the kids while I'm at work, but then I don't have anyone to watch the kids so I can go see Dave at night. I don't have the time or more importantly the energy to clean my house. I can't pay bills right now because my account is frozen. I even asked my grandmother today if she wanted to move in here with us to help take care of the kids and the housework, plus it would help her out too because her rent was just raised in the place that she's at, and now her entire social security check is going for her rent. Nothing else. But she can't do it until after January.

The only part of my day that I don't have to worry about these things is when I'm in the room with David. When I get to lay next to him in that hospital bed, my mind shuts off. But I swear as soon as I walk out of the room, it all comes flooding back and sometimes it just really seems overwhelming when it all starts pouring back in.

I'm thinking too much right now. I'm going to go see David.


P.S. He had the second surgery today to replace that piece of skull they had to remove. Pray for his recovery please.

Starting to see some cracks now...

Let me give you a brief run-down of my past.

I was molested by my mom's brother when I was 5 years old, on Christmas night.
I was given far too much freedom was a child.
I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old to a man who was 24 years old.
I got pregnant at 14, had my first child a week before my 15th birthday.
Got pregnant again at 15, married at 16, moved across the country away from my entire family 5 days later, had my second child at 16.
Found out I was married to an abusive and controlling man, had a few nights where I wasn't sure if I was going to see the next day.
I finally mustered the courage to leave my husband, and had my children kept away from me with the threat that he would kill me if I came near them, and I believed him.
Dated a man 22 years older me who later turned out to be an alcoholic, when I left him, his 13 year old daughter stalked me and even broke into my apartment.
Finally shook that relationship and started dating my psychotic room-mates friend, which turned out to be the most emotionally "abusive" (I'm still uncomfortable using that phrase in comparison to that relationship) relationship I've ever been in.
In the process of ending that relationship I was raped 3 times within a 3 month period, twice by guys I knew, once by a complete stranger.
I was left stranded in the middle of a small town way the hell out in the middle of no-where Texas.
Finally I confessed to my parents why I left my husband, and they paid for me to come back to Alaska.
I came back up here with a pure hatred for men and a new determination to hurt as many of them as possible.
In my search to figure out a way to make a lot of money fast, I entered into the escort business.

I entered into a relationship with a man who hated women as much as I hated men, and together we set out on a mission to break up as many couples as possible, further proving to ourselves that "normal and real relationships do not exist". I went through an extremely messy and difficult break-up with that one that included cops being called, parents intervening, and a lot of alcohol.
At the same time this was going on, my dad had suffered a massive heart attack and was in the hospital for a month recovering from a quadruple bi-pass.
I went through a lot of drugs and a lot of alcohol at that point, and then I started dating a guy who seemed pretty stable and pretty reliable.
Soon after we started dating we found out I was pregnant.
Got married, had my third child at 20 years old.
After being married for almost a year, I get a call very early in the morning from my father telling me that my first husband had been murdered and that I need to get down there to get my kids.
I got on the first flight available, and when I landed in Texas I got the news that his second wife had admitted to killing him.
Wound up stuck in Texas for a month fighting his family for custody of my children.
Was awarded custody but they had to finish the school year there, so I came back to Alaska with a few months to prepare for their arrival.
Shortly before coming home, however, I got the news and confronted my husband for cheating on me while I was gone.
He packed his stuff, moved to Las Vegas and never once looked back or has had anything to do with his daughter.
I spent about 3 years randomly dating here and there, finally running into an old friend that I had a crush on for years.
Started dating him, moved in together, got pregnant again, had my fourth child at 24 years old. Things started to finally look up for me, had a good strong family, a "normal" life, great relationship, things were going good.

Then, 3 years and 2 days after we started dating, my boyfriend gets hit by a car while riding his bike to work on the ONE day he didn't wear a helmet.
No broken bones or damage to his body, but he suffered a massive blow to the head, received a fractured skull, hemorrhaging on his brain.
Emergency surgery had to be performed to save his life, they had to remove small pieces of his brain.
He has to have surgery tomorrow to replace the piece of his skull they removed.

I'm here with these 4 children, dealing with this all basically alone. I have his parents and my family, but in reality, I'm alone.
There are only two people I have ever allowed to get inside my head and see my heart.
One of them lives in Colorado and has no intentions of coming back to Alaska anytime soon, and the other is lying in a hospital bed unable to even remember my name at times.

I've been through all that crap before the accident and made it through fine. It's not until now that I feel like I'm losing it. I honestly feel like I'm barely holding it together here. I was thinking about it today, and if I didn't have these children, I probably would have at least attempted if not committed suicide.

At this point, they are the only reason I'm holding it together. I almost quit my job today, but I have to support us now, and I can't do that.

There's been a lot more stuff piling on top of the accident, and I feel like I'm being crushed right now.

I am so overwhelmed.

It just seems like when I think to myself that it can't possibly get any worse right now...

oh wait. I shouldn't have said that.