More Anger?

I am SO sick of people thinking that just because I became a mother at a very young age that I wrecked or ruined my life. I am tired and pissed off about people who think I threw my future away.

Granted, I will be the first to admit that having my first child at 14 was not the smartest thing for me to do. But, at the time, I was taken advantage of. I was a 14 year old facing the persistance of a 24 year old man. I did get pregnant. I did have a kid. And then, Oh My God, I should have another, by the same man mind you, at 16.

What really ticks me off is that I take my role as a parent VERY seriously. I love my children more than life itself. There is nothing on this planet that is more important to me than my children. Okay, so I had kids at a young age. But, unlike most of the other girls I have met along the way that had children around the same age, I never "dumped" my kids on other people, I didn't abandon my kids to go out and party. I have never left my kids somewhere so I could go get high or get drunk. I have given up everything for them, and to take care of them, and make sure that they have what they need.

There is a certain member of my family who manages to bring this anger out in me. My grandmother, who had a very important hand in raising me. She has NEVER praised me for the job that I do as a mother, rather she is constantly reminding me of how I have ruined my life, threw away my future, and disappointed the whole family. And apparently at 14 I was well equipped to deal with the advances of a grown man. I was old enough to know better. With a mom who always worked 2 jobs and was NEVER around for me, and a father who was most of the time an emotional void, showing only irritation, anger, and annoyance. I should have been able to deal with it on my own. I did. And I have two very wonderful, very loving, very intelligent, and very smart children from the way I handled it.

Some people ask me if I regret the decisions I made. In a way, yes I do. I miss the fact that I didn't get to go to high school at all, I regret the fact that I didn't get the full education I should have. Do I regret that I didn't get to go to prom? No. Do I regret that I didn't get to do all the "normal" teenage stuff? No. Do I regret having my kids? Let me say this clearly, so no one will ever need to ask it again....NO!!

I'm tired of the automatic judgement that is passed on me everytime someone finds out how young I am, and how many kids I have. I hate walking into my kids school and people think I'm the older sister, and once they find out that no, I am their mom, their whole demeanor suddenly changes into this whole "oh. I see." attitude. No, apparently you don't see. If you did, you would see that I am here at the school, I'm obviously not on drugs or drunk, I'm not out somewhere more concerned about myself than about the lives that I brought into this world. You would see that there isn't a grandparent standing in my place. You would see the two absolutely brilliant faces that explode with light from the smiles on their faces when they come rushing up to me. You would see the excitment in my eyes when they present me with a test that they just got a 100% on. You would see the immediate hugs and kisses that each face gets showered with after having spent a whole day away from each other. No, you don't see. And don't presume to think you have any clue as to how I handle my job as a parent.

I'm sorry, but I hate to turn this around. I see parents that don't do half the job I do in their 30's. Just because you waited to have children does NOT make you a better person than I. Just because you went to college, or even just got your High school diploma does not make you a better parent than I. Everytime I see a young child wandering through a store alone without supervision, whenever I see a child who could not possibly be older than 6 wandering through a neighborhood alone, I just really want to ask that child to take me to their parent and proceed to beat the crap out of that parent. Of course, I wouldn't do that, if anything for the childs sake. (It wouldn't be good for the child to see that) But these are the parents that you wind up seeing on the news, tearfully begging for the safe return of their children. I can't help but think sometimes when I see these reports "If you had been doing your job as a parent and watching your child, you wouldn't be on the news right now!" It sounds horrible, but that is what I think. Especially in a recent case up here where a mother lost her two boys, both under the age of 7. The boys had been outside playing, and went missing. She came under speculation of having done something to her two boys, but about a week later the two boys were found, dead, having drowned in a nearby lake. This is a prime example of a parent who should have been watching her kids, and didn't.

I might be considered an over-protective mother, to extreme, but my kids will never wind up missing. I know this because whenever we are somewhere other than our house, they do NOT leave my eye sight, and never wander farther than I can reach. And I'll be damned, but my children WILL have a childhood. Mine was ripped from me, so I know what it's like to grow up too fast. My oldest daughter is 9, and believe it or not, does NOT own a thong, does not dress like she's 18, and she still plays with Barbie dolls. She loves her family, helps out around the house, including with the baby, and does not swear. She despises ciggarettes, constantly giving my parents crap about smoking, so I don't have to worry about her smoking anytime soon. Hell, she even knows that aspirin is a drug, and unless really needed shouldn't be taken. She thinks girls that act like they are older are stupid.

The perfect example of how I've done as a mother, came the other night at my future mother in law's birthday dinner. While my neices and nephews were running all over the restaraunt, screaming and misbehaving, my children were sitting nicely at the table, coloring their pictures. There were several paintings in the restaraunt, but there was one in particular that some people might see as art, but I saw it more as a naked cartoon character on the wall. While conversing with me and his aunt and uncle, my son saw the painting. Not at first did he notice the woman in the painting, but rather he noticed the skeleton in the background and commented on the "scary skeleton". You could see his eyes move over, and suddenly his head went down, and he said "mom, that painting is innappropriate." I swear he used those exact words. His aunt and uncle started laughing as did I, but then again, we were all laughing at the absolutely HORRIBLE experiance we were having with this particular restaraunt. Laughing, because quite simply put, jewish families tend to laugh more than they do complain. You can't take life too seriously in this century, after all the horrible things that happened in the past, and while there are more horrible things happening to other people still. (But that's a whole other post!)

I love my children, and in a recent therapy session actually managed to break down into tears as I talked about the fear I have of losing my kids for whatever reason. It's something that scares the hell out of me, and just the sheer thought alone is enough to reduce me to tears. Something that anyone who knows me, knows just does NOT happen. I am known to be one of the strongest people you will ever meet, able to catch life's curve balls without a flinch.

Bah, I've lost my momentum now because I have an adorable little baby boy who is staring at me, and with the biggest smile is cooing soooo adorably for my attention. And with that note, I will say goodnight so I can go kiss his little head and give him as many hugs as he will bear.

Until next time, love your children, please.