It's just me, right?

It's just that I'm being a bitch. That's all. Right?

I mean, granted, it's 3:15 a.m., my alarm clock is set for 6 a.m., and I have to work in just under 5 hours. I understand that certain other people in the house work odd hour shifts. I understand that certain other adults in the house don't even have jobs. But considering that the jobless adult in the household kind of moved in without permission, claimed that they were going to be couch surfing when they got into town, and NOT a permanent fixture on my sofa, the opinions of said adult in the house do not matter.

There are certain things I would really love to say to the other adult that I currently co-habitat with, but even in my sleep deprived state of mind, wouldn't dare utter. Why? Because I'm far too nice of a person, and apparently left my spine somewhere back in 2002. I would really like to go back and pick it up, maybe stop off in 2004 and beat myself with the steel rod that disappeared sometime shortly after my second divorce. But, alas, it is not to be.

Say, for instance, I would really like to ask when the hell the idea of spending an entire evening drinking and playing cribbage with a gay man suddenly became SO much more appealing than actually coming to bed with your very soon to be wife?? Why is it that as soon as I walk into a room, you suddenly decide you want to spend time in the other room? When did Sailor Jerry start making a much better companion than "the woman of your dreams"?? Granted, I get that I'm just getting over this God awful strep throat, which if I may remind me, had me driving myself to the ER at 5 in the morning, because you couldn't simply drag yourself out of bed to take your soon to be wife to the hospital when she found she couldn't breath anymore.... I get that. I also understand that I've been somewhat cranky lately, because of this damn wedding. This wedding that I've been left to plan with NO input from the soon to be Mr. of the house.... Because God forbid he should have an opinion about WHO should be invited to the ceremony, I mean, beyond the whole "I only want close friends and family there. I don't even know who half the people are that are coming to this thing!!" (my brain is prodding me to just let loose with a primal scream at this point "BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED AT THE DAMN GUEST LIST YET!!!!")

But seriously, I have to question your manhood at this point. I spend an entire evening throwing myself at you like a stripper desperate to make a quick buck, all to be rejected. You know, I've spent the last year and a half gently stroking your ego, reassuring you that it's okay that you've had a back injury, that it's okay that we can only have sex when YOU are ready, when you're able, that it's okay that without meds, which you can't buy because you have no insurance, you only last maybe ten minutes on a good day. I've done the delicate dance with you that it's all okay, that I still desire you, that I still want you, which I do.... Otherwise I wouldn't have desperately thrown myself at you all night long... Only to get rejected. It's amazing how I used to be this woman that had a firm philosophy that as long as I'm standing here naked and I'm smiling, what more is there to want. No serious body image issues, I get that I'm a little soft in certain areas, a little thick in other areas, but hey, I've had four kids, and I can still see my toes and tie my own shoes... So I'm doin' pretty damn good. But then.... I gain 10 pounds during this whole wedding crap, you only come to me when YOU'RE in the mood, and ignore me when I am... It's amazing how quickly a woman's self image can go straight down the shitter. Suddenly I'm laying here wondering exactly how much weight I've gained since we first met.... Is that why he doesn't seem that attracted to me anymore?


Ugh. I disgust myself at this point. This is why I have managed to carefully avoid this whole institution called marriage for the last 10 years. You have a great thing going, then suddenly you're gonna fuck it all up just because someone wants a piece of jewelry and an expensive dress?? Fuck me. What was I thinking???

I'm in the Hall of Fame

For having an absolutely unbreakable spirit! I've been through some of the worst times imaginable, and yet I still have an absolutely positive attitude, and unwaivering trust in mankind, and completely optimistic approach to life!

Changes

I finally had my breaking point with my job. On Tuesday, I was running late, and in a mad dash to get all the kids delivered to school and babysitter, I was super stressed out and on the verge of tears because I knew that when I called into work to let them know, I was going to get hell for it. My job had become quite a source of stress in my life, and it had gotten to the point to where I dreaded having to go into the office everyday. Just dealing with all the bullshit, the drama, and the 8 bosses was getting to be too much. The way we were treated was awful, if one person made a mistake, then everyone got bitched at. It was rediculous. If someone makes a mistake, you take it up with that person, not the whole office.

So, I put in my notice. Handed in my resignation saying my last day would be the 19th. Well, I didn't hear from my boss for pretty much most of the day after sending the email, and then I got a call from one of the women I had interviewed with for another position. She was trying to call my references but one of the phone numbers wasn't working. I gave her the new number, and then about 10 minutes later I received a call from my boss. "So, you're leaving us, huh? You going somewhere else?" to which I relied, "well, that all depends. Not sure yet what I'm doing." So then she tells me that her and the VP had talked it over, and since it was slow, and the account wasn't doing much, that they had decided that my last day should be the 5th. I would be leaving this company in only a matter of days.

Now I started to panic. Did I make the right decision? I had quit my job before I was sure I had another job lined up. What if this other job, my dream job, didn't come through? What was I going to do then? God knows, in this economy, with everyone losing jobs, it wouldn't be easy to find something else. I mean, granted, we live in Alaska, where we're not really affected as hard as the rest of the country when shit goes down, but we were starting to feel some of the effects, and it's only a matter of time before things get worse. Besides, it's right before Christmas and we're already struggling to recover from a hit our finances took in October.

As the days progressed, and Friday loomed closer and closer, I was excited about the fact that I was leaving, and didn't have to deal with this crap anymore, but I was getting more and more anxious as to wether or not I had made the right decision. Then Friday morning came along.

For the first time this week, I was able to sleep the night before, and woke up early enough to get a shower in before I had to deliver all the kids to their respective daytime locations. But I managed to leave my cell phone sitting next to the sink when we walked out of the house, and I realized this as I was halfway to our first destination. I managed to deliver all the children and have enough time to run back home and get my cell phone. I had missed about 5 calls. No surprise since I knew that my husband had been trying to call me all morning. I didn't bother to check to see who the calls were from, I figured they were from him. So I cleared the message from the screen, then saw I had a voicemail. Again, I figured it was from my husband so I cleared the screen.

Let me take a moment here to just say that anyone who knows me, knows that I'm horrible when it comes to voicemail and calling people back. I like to think that if it's really important, they'll call back. So I usually wind up leaving voicemail messages in my inbox for quite a while before I check them. But for whatever reason, this morning, I decided to check the voicemail before I even left the house to head to work.

It was the deputy director of the position I had applied for. She wanted me to call her back. I sat there for a few moments, looking at me phone, repeating "oh my god." over and over. Finally I dialed the number and called her back. They were offering me the position. They wanted to know how soon I could start! I told her Monday, she was surprised, and then I explained that today was my last day with this company. Perfect timing she said! So without missing ANY workdays, I have a new job. And not only do I have a new job, I have the job I've always wanted! My dream job! How awesome is that!! Thank you God!

Now, a lot of the people I know would have left their position, said screw it, I've got a new job, I hate this place anyway, I'm not going to deal with this shit anymore, and leave everyone high and dry. Not me. I have a very strong work ethic, and I actually care about a lot of the people I work with, and I care wether or not someone is going to have to come along after me and clean everything up. So I spent my 8 hours making sure I had everything covered and making sure all the small details were taken care of. I cleaned out my desk and made sure that all the work I had done in the past month was taken care of, and if there was anything left pending. Made a nice neat little stack of work and put it on my supervisors desk as I left. I would like to think I left on good note, even sending out my goodbye emails and thanking everyone for such an opportunity to work with them, sent emails to my boss and the VP thanking them for allowing me the opportunity to work with them, and on such a complicated account when I had no experience to start with. Unfortunately, I didn't get a response from either person, but I did get plenty of well wishes and goodbyes from a majority of my co-workers. And that was more than enough for me! I am going to miss those people. I will not however, miss the rest of them.

I'm excited for my new career, my new adventure, and this new direction my life is heading. For once in my life, everything seems balanced. And that's a good thing, since I'm a Libra and need that balance. You know, scales and all that. My love life is fantastic, my home life is fantastic, and now, my professional life is fantastic. What more could a girl ask for??

On My Mind....

Setting aside the outcome of the election, I just hope everyone is able to set aside our differences for a moment to reflect on the fact that history has just been made, and in more ways that just the fact that a black man has finally been elected into the highest office in our country. More voters turned out for this election than any election in history. More people got involved, more people asked questions, more people voiced their opinions and their concerns on the issues than ever before in any moment in history! No matter who you cast your vote for, you should be damn proud to live in this country, and to be a part of this historical moment in our country! We were all a part of a moment that will forever be recorded in our history books! I don't know about you, but there's a certain excitment in knowing that I have not only witnessed this moment, but I actively took part in it!!

We, as a country, have made amazing leaps and bounds in civil rights movements, we have grown to be an amazing country, proving that we are still a proud civilization, and we are still a country full of people who cherish and will protect our individual rights that should be the basis for all human rights. The rights to express ourselves, to voice our opinion, and to be heard, and to make a difference have never been more prevalent than what I have witnessed first hand in the past 2 years!! I have heard many arguments, debates, challenges, and theories, mainly over the past few months as things really started to heat up. And despite the fact that I have mainly sat back and allowed myself to take it all in, to hear both sides of the argument, to weigh my options silently without agitating any emotions or hurting anyones feelings, I have taken into consideration every single point of view that has crossed my path, and weighed it carefully.

That being said, I am more that willing to say that yes, I voted for Obama. Quite frankly, it was one of the hardest choices I've made in my life, and I had to do a lot of digging to make my final decision, I was literally on the fence pretty much the whole time. It was such a tough choice, in fact, that standing in the little enclosure, I had to cast my vote for everything else first and come back to the President once those were cast. I had to lay my vote where I felt my priorites lay, and I feel that I followed not only my instincts, not only my heart, not only my mind, but most importantly, I followed my beliefs. I followed those things that were absolutely the most important issues I feel that I, as an indivual American, face in my day to day life!

First let me say how absolutely dissapointed I was in the McCain/Palin campaign and the lack of focus on family, the core center of our country. (First let me just say that I strongly feel that one of the biggest contributors to our society's decline is the lack of focus on core values and the principles behind what a family is REALLY about!) I was extremely disappointed with Senator McCain when I learned he voted down the Domestic Violence Protection Act. Going straight to McCain's own campaign website, I wasn't led to ANY information on his opinions or concerns for the women or children in this country, other than he wants to over-turn Roe vs. Wade. No stance on preventing child abuse, no stance on absent parents, no stance at all concerning the sickenly rapid rate of of violence and abuse towards women and children in this country. However, when you look over at the Obama/Biden side of the campaign trail, he clearly marks where he stands for family and how he plans to help Americans.

Such as:
Epanding the Family Medical Leave Act-Right now it only affect companies with 50 or more employees, they want to change that to cover companies with 25 or more employees, expand it so if an employee needs to leave to care for an elderly parents medical needs, it's covered. Allowing parents to take up to 24 hours a year to attend their childrens academic activities at school, expand it to cover employees who need to leave to address issues of domestic violence or sexual assault.

Expand Paid Sick Days-More than half of all private sector employees have NO paid sick leave. This is a major issue for those of us that simply cannot afford to miss a day of work, not to mention don't have health insurance, can't afford to see a medical provider, and run the risk of not only spreading disease and infection, but run the risk of making ourselves worse off. (I've had a serious sinus infection for over a month now, but I simply CANNOT miss anymore work, and I don't have health insurance because it's far too expensive with rediculously high deductibles, and I can't afford to go see a doctor, or even pay for the prescription!)

As far as taxes go, I could clearly discern what McCain's stance on taxes were and his own campaign website was not at all clear on where he stands. However, with Obama:

*Provide generous tax cuts for low- and middle-income seniors, homeowners, the uninsured, and families sending a child to college or looking to save and accumulate wealth.

*Cut taxes for 95 percent of workers and their families with a tax cut of $500 for workers or $1,000 for working couples.

*Eliminate capital gains taxes for small businesses, cut corporate taxes for firms that invest and create jobs in the United States, and provide tax credits to reduce the cost of healthcare and to reward investments in innovation.

*Dramatically simplify taxes by consolidating existing tax credits, eliminating the need for millions of senior citizens to file tax forms, and enabling as many as 40 million middle-class Americans to do their own taxes in less than five minutes without an accountant.

*Middle class families will see their taxes cut – and no family making less than $250,000 will see their taxes increase. The typical middle class family will receive well over $1,000 in tax relief under the Obama plan, and will pay tax rates that are 20% lower than they faced under President Reagan. According to the Tax Policy Center, the Obama plan provides three times as much tax relief for middle class families as the McCain plan.

*Families making more than $250,000 will pay either the same or lower tax rates than they paid in the 1990s. Obama will ask the wealthiest 2% of families to give back a portion of the tax cuts they have received over the past eight years to ensure we are restoring fairness and returning to fiscal responsibility. But no family will pay higher tax rates than they would have paid in the 1990s. In fact, dividend rates would be 39 percent lower than what President Bush proposed in his 2001 tax cut.

*Obama’s plan will cut taxes overall, reducing revenues to below the levels that prevailed under Ronald Reagan (less than 18.2 percent of GDP). The Obama tax plan is a net tax cut – his tax relief for middle class families is larger than the revenue raised by his tax changes for families over $250,000. Coupled with his commitment to cut unnecessary spending, Obama will pay for this tax relief while bringing down the budget deficit.

Another very serious topic in my mind as well as my heart, having been a victim of it, is where my future president stands on domestic Violence. I couldn't find a single thing on the McCain campaign website concerning this very vital issue, but with Obama I found this:

*Approximately 1,400 women a year – four every day – die in the United States as a result of domestic violence. And 132,000 women report that they have been victims of a rape or attempted rape, and it is estimated that an even greater number have been raped, but do not report it. Senator Obama co-sponsored and helped reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. Signed into law in January 2006, the bill funds and helps communities, nonprofit organizations, and police combat domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. The legislation establishes a sexual assault services program and provides education grants to prevent domestic violence.

(Please remember that McCain voted down the Domestic Violence Protection Act, a decision that I absolutely CANNOT stand behind, for ANY reason!)



Quite frankly, whether you feel as though I've been "brain-washed" or not, I did my own homework, didn't listen to the media, because God knows how biased they can be, I went directly to the sources themselves, and compared what information they have put out there on THEIR OWN, compared what information they have broadcasted as their take on what the "real issues" were, I didn't listen to the gossip (I never was interested in that Kindergarden game of 'Telephone' anyway!), and as I've said, I've followed my heart, my mind, and my beliefs. I prayed, I studied, I watched, I listened, and I read. Then I made my decision. I did NOT base my decision off of a name, race, gender, ethnic background, or any of the other things I have heard come from people's mouths. Quite frankly, deciding to NOT vote for someone simply because of what their parents chose as their middle name, NOT voting for someone simply because of the color of their skin, NOT voting for someone simply because they do or do not have a vagina or penis, NOT voting for someone because of idle gossip about where they were supposedly born, who their parents are, what kind of school they went to as a child, or their religious beliefs is simply put: IGNORANT. On something such as a Presidential election, you, as a registered voter in the United States of America have an obligation to find out and dig for the truth in this media obsessed society, and stop allowing popular local opinion and mass media coverage be your single influence in something that is an honored right in this country that up until this election, not too many people really cared to take part in. (I registered to vote ON my 18th birthday!)

I can't say what any one person's motivation was for voting for whoever they voted for, but I can express mine. And simply put, my motivation was by far and above all else, my family.

My vote... I want it to count!

We are standing on the edge of a very historical presidential election, no matter where the vote lands. And as such is about to happen, the last thing I want to do is cast my vote without learning what I need and should know first.

Making that decision, to do my homework to learn where each candidate lays on each issues, I have decided that I'm going to ignore the pundants, ignore the idle office chatter, and I certainly will not be paying attention to the media. I'm going straight to the source and want to know what each party has to say.

I have always been a Democrat to the core, much to dismay of MANY of my closest friends, and especially to my family, however, I find myself standing on a fence right now, unsure of which side I want to step down on. That's why I MUST, as a registered AMERICAN voter, find the truth and figure where I lay my ballot down.

The one thing I have constantly on my mind is that words really don't mean much. It's the actions that speak so much louder. Any candidate can SAY he's going to do this, or do that, or not do this or that, but what it REALLY comes down to, is how they hold up to those words. Either candidate can SAY they are going to end the war in Iraq, bring the troops home, but without all of the intelligence, without all of the information, without any of it, they can talk until they are blue in the face, because they simply don't have ALL of the facts! And that's something they will NOT have until they are sworn into office.

On a side note here: In my opinion, which is simply mine, and I have an American given right to not only have my opinion, but also to publish, verbalize, and SPEAK it as well, and I feel we never should have gone into Iraq. There was no reason for us to go there. Afghanistan is where our enemy lies, and where we should have focused our military efforts and attention. It was Osama Bin Laden that attacked the United States in 2001, not Saddam Huessein! It was Al Queda, not the Iraqi military regime that sent those planes hurdling into the twin towers, the pentagon, and that field in Virginia!! Somehow, Bush managed to put up all his smoke screens and divert our attention to Iraq, and next thing you know, we have over 1,000 soldiers dead, countless more injured, and 7 years later how far have we come? Bush has managed to run this country for 8 years, 7 of which we have been at war. And for what end? So we could experience a modern day Vietnam? A modern day Korea? And we're still NO CLOSER to catching Bin Laden as we were on the day those planes and those two towers went down on American soil!

Something that not many people know about me is that I have far more friends and family members that are actively in the military than any one person I know. More than half of those people are currently deployed in either Iraq or Afghanistan. I have spoken at great lengths with many of these soldiers, in just about every conceivable rank from simple airman to top-secret high ranked naval "spooks", about their opinions on what is going on. I have to say that honestly, just like our country, it's pretty divided as to how they feel. Half of them believe in the fight and think we are doing the right thing, half of them think this is useless and we shouldn't be there. There is no ONE person that can speak for the entire military, not even the majority of the military personel, because just like this country, it is vastly diversified and opinions vary greatly from one person to the next. So for any single person to say that the military personel feel this way or that way about the subject, it just seems so biased to me. In psychology, it's called "projecting".

I vow that this weekend, and over the course of the next 7 weeks, I will fully do MY homework and base my decision solely on the FACTS. And no matter who I decide to vote for, I should NOT be shunned, disregarded, or put down. THAT behavior simply goes against every single thing this great country was founded on, and goes against damn near everything that those countless soldiers are fighting to protect.

So please, when you're getting into the heated debates of politics, keep in mind that you have your right to have and protect your opinion, but so does the person you are debating with. It's THEIR right, just as much as it is yours, and no ONE PERSON in American is stupid, dumb, or ignorant for having such opinions. Not any more stupid, dumb, or ignorant than you are.

Updates

I didn't want to let a whole month go by without posting on here, leaving people hanging.

I've pretty much decided that I'm walking away from that whole situation that was going on. I have more pressing matters to tend to, namely my family. I've said my peace, and I'll always be here to support the man who is going to be my husband. But I'm done with the ugliness. It's too much right now, and besides, I'm not particularly fond of drama.

I have managed to finish up what turned out to be the SHORTEST custody dispute to date. We had one court appearance to make, and thankfully we managed to come to a complete agreement about the custody situation before we even walked in. The judge even commended us on how well we've handled ourselves and how well we've managed to put what is best for the children in front of our differences. That was a good weight taken off of my shoulders.

But, alas, it was not meant to stay that way. As it never is in my life.

LeeAnna, my wonderful, beautiful, intelligent daughter that is growing up so damn fast, has recently discovered a darker side to being in this family genetically. All of the women on my side of the family have battled depression their whole lifes, and now she knows what it means to be depressed. She knows there's something wrong, and that it's not healthy, and that would be why she reached out for help. It kills me that she couldn't reach out to me, that I couldn't be the one to help her through this, but at the same time, the rational, intelligent side of me understands why. I'm her sole surviving parent, she wants so desperately for me to be happy, to be proud, and to approve of her decisions, that the thought of turning to me when she's feeling like this, when even she doesn't understand what's going on, is difficult if not damn near impossible for her to even consider. I hate leaving her there in that hospital, walking away from her each night, I feel so helpless, and I want so desperately to get her home, where she belongs. But I hold onto the hope that this is going to be the best decision for her mental health. I hope that she manages to take from this program what is intended to be taken. I hope she learns what it is she needs to learn, and understands that it's not her fault, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I love her so much!

Blah. I think I'm going to close on that and come back to it later.

My Final Word On The Subject

I have a few reactions to some of the things that have been said. Then I'm done with ALL of this for good, and I will be writing more about happier topics and more of the day to day stuff.

"I don't understand what the issue is with MaryLou and Joey and Tammy and all of them. Joe wanted a divorce - he said so. How could you have served Joe here at my house when he HAS NOT STEPPED FOOT INTO IT SINCE HE GOT IN FROM ALASKA!!!???"

The problem here is that you DON'T understand what you've done to your son, and that's the problem! Yes, he wanted a divorce, and he was MORE than willing to work on this with her. However, he was NOT willing to accept ALL of the debt from the marriage and let her get off free without having to take some of it. WE offered on NUMEROUS occasions to take on the FULL debt of the car which would have been MORE than half of the debt alone. Due to her lack of communication (We called her with the offer, told her that she had a WEEK to make a decision and get back to us, and suddenly we didn't hear from her for over a month!!), that was not possible. She would have had to sign some papers and send them back to us, and it would have been done! Instead, she decided to call Joe's phone at 3 or 4 in the morning and wonder why he wouldn't answer the phone. I can't even count how many times we have been woken up in the middle of the night by her calls. Or calling him at work and SCREAMING at him about shit. That's just plain disrespectful. But then again, from all I've seen, that's apparently the norm. She could have just as easily sent the paperwork to us in Alaska, as she has had our address since he moved in back in MARCH!! I've been next to him on numerous occasions when he gave her our address. If she says otherwise, it's a damn lie amongst SO many.


"Joe is pissed off at me because I would not give him money yet again to pay for another girlfriend to fly somewhere, and then apparently has told her how John and I hate her withour our ever meeting her. You know, that I've told you that if she is his choice and he is happy, then so be it. I WAS NOT GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM YOU AND THE BABY!!! I was not going to treat her like he was treated by his paternal grandmother growing up. I guess he just can't deal with that."

He's NOT pissed that you refused to pay for HIM!! Again, he NEVER asked you to pay for me. I had MY ticket. He never told me that you hated me. He explained that what you said was that you would feel more comfortable if he came here without me. There was never a conversation about the two of us coming here "when our money situation is better." Our money situation is fine! As I've stated before, he hasn't had to call you AT ALL in the last 8 months for ANYTHING. And there's a difference between the way that Joe was treated by his paternal grandparents and her baby. THAT KID IS NOT HIS!!!! There are NO BIOLOGICAL ties there!! So yeah, you're damn right when you say that he can't deal with that!!


"I know from the e-mail he sent to John that he believes we were somehow involved with your serving him the papers. Little does he know that we just found out about it. Even if we had known, how could we have told him when he refuses to answer our calls. I am sick and tired of his self-serving behavior. I'd tell him this in person if he were man enough to call me back."

He made the comment that IF YOU KNEW, a little heads up would have been nice. And considering the amount of awful voice-mails you left on his phone , maybe you could have left something to that effect as well. His self-serving behavior? Remember who raised him! For someone who made their own child pay for his way into Hershey Park but was SO willing to pay for her boyfriend, I say that would explain a LOT. And his not calling you back is NOT a matter of his being a man or not It's his decision to not speak with someone who has been SO ugly through all of this, not just to him, but to everyone in general.


"If MaryLou has a problem with the way I am handling Joe, she should contact me directly and not hide behind MySpace. I love the way she state she "stands behind him" when I believe not even a year ago he was upset over how she had posted a comment on this very page thanking you for being such a part of his brothers' lives. Funny how things change when he sucking up to her... I am tired of being made the villian everytime I don't agree with him."

Of course Marylou has a problem with the way your handling this whole situation. You've shown nothing more than simple jealousy over the fact that we are staying here in their house instead of being controlled in yours. And you know what, she DOES stand behind him!! A hell of a lot more than you claim to. This woman and her husband, who I am VERY proud to say that I am a member of their family, have shown absolutely NOTHING BUT compassion and love and protection for the BOTH of us. These two people have been absolutely wonderful through ALL of this! And yes, she may have left that comment on her page, but you know what? The motive behind that was to get a rise out of Joe so he would contact her. Which honestly, now that he's an adult and can make decisions for himself, is NONE of your business. You're only being made the villain in all of this is because YOU have put yourself in this position. I can play back the voice-mails that you left on his phone, if you like! Maybe if you heard yourself saying the things that you said to him, THEN maybe you'd understand. Maybe you should go back and re-read everything that you've written to me about him.

"I have been behind him through more fuckups in his life, but becuase I did not send him $400 he desides to shit on me. I believe I am done with this. Sorry to dump this on your page, but since I somehow doubt he'd let me on his, I'm hoping he'll see this, or maybe his "mommy" MaryLou will tell him about it. JoeMamma no more - out."

If you had truly been behind him throughout all of his screw ups, you would not take every single opportunity to throw them back up in his face and reopen those scars. There's such a thing as letting it go. I think you could learn a very valuable lesson from that. And again, let me clarify here, it's NOT because you wouldn't send him the $400. It's the way, the words, and the approach that you took in the moment. You're failure to understand that he wanted the ONLY person that has managed SO successfully to prevent him from falling into any kind of depression and helps him manage these stress induced seizures of his under control with him through all of this. Your failure to recognize that he needs the ONE person who seems to love him absolutely UNCONDITIONALLY by his side through all of this crap, is the reason he's acted the way he has. Marylou has definitely acted like FAR more of mom to Joe than you have. And you have pretty much sealed the deal when you said "JoeMamma no more". You're absolutely right when you say "out". Because that is exactly what you are when it comes to our lives now. Out.

"1) Marylou has a telephone, right?"

Yes, she has a phone. But we DID not come into town for a simple visit or a fun vacation. I just don't understand why you people DON'T get this simple fact.

"2) If Wendy was willing to come down to Washington to pick you up, don't you think she would have come to get you guys at David's?"

Maybe if you had made us seem like we were WELCOME here, the thought would have crossed our minds to have you come pick us up. But since you made us feel SO comfortable and SO welcome here, the thought never really crossed our minds to "inconvenience" you with having to come pick us up and then bring us back.

"3) How was I to call you (while you were in Alaska)? When you called me from Tammy's was the first number I've had for you on my phone."

I do believe that your wife has ALL of our phone numbers!! You could have communicated with your wife and got the numbers to call us. We've given the phone numbers on numerous occasions, and he's called you on numerous occasions. If you didn't have the presence of mind to save his phone number, that's on you.

"4) You are living a new life with and in a new relationship. Why is getting the divorce papers so horrible? How else was she supposed to get them to you since you refused to call her and she doesn't know where you live? I would imagine you would be happy that you are getting closure on this part of your life."

It wasn't SO horrible to get the divorce papers, it WAS however so horrible to see that she pretty much lied on the whole thing. She accused HIM of being the one that committed adultery, and that HE was the one that abandoned HER, that the child is HIS, that he needs to pay child support and her legal fees. She could have sent them to our address in Alaska, as she has NOT only our home address but also his work address as well.

"Do we think you are the whole problem with your marriage with Erna? No. What she did was wrong.

Did we misinterpret Tuesday night? Sounds like we did--but a phone call would have gone a long way to clear things up.

Regarding Erna being a part of our life -- in many ways she's been a part of our life since you started high school. She's close to all of us. Does that mean we hate you or Tammy? No. Does that mean we throw out everything you say? No. Does it mean that Erna and Erika are a part of our lives. Yes.

Regarding the divorce papers -- we found out about them Halloween night. But, to be honest, this was the only chance she had to get this closure in your relationship started. She didn't have any other means of getting this started as you have refused to answer her calls or tell her where you were. The whole situation sucks--I think we'd all agree. But I think you are both ready to move on in your lives... and to do that you need this closure. Shoot, you've already moved into another family and established a new home. You should be happy to finalize your relationship with Erna. BTW--Erna didn't want anything from you... at all... but she said that her lawyer said that in Maryland that's the law. Like you, she's ready for your marriage to be over. The thing she's struggling with is the debt that was laid solely on her."

Maybe you should get the WHOLE story from her. Because she obviously has NOT given you the whole story. This was NOT the only chance she had to get this closure, has she bothered to mention ALL the times that we have tried to contact her to get this done? Has she bothered to mention how many times we have tried desperately to reach a settlement with her, because I doubt it. He has BEEN ready for this marriage to be over and done with far longer than she has. Every single time we turn around she's popping up with some new excuse to why it can't get done. We've offered to take more than half of the debt, which would have been the car. Her plans to report it as stolen so he gets arrested is just ridiculous. I've been told by MANY of the people that she constantly nags for information on what he's doing, where he's going, and pretty much ANY information she can get that that has been her plan for awhile now. This is the person that you have decided to keep in your lives and hurt your own child.

"I truly hope you can break your relationship pattern with Tammy so that things can work out for the two of you. It sounds like you really enjoy her and her kids. And she's got to be a trooper to take you back after what you did with her friend. Like we told you when you changed relationships with Amanda, Kari, Erna, the gal in Homer, and now Tammy all we want is for you to be happy. My only suggestion to the two of you is to get a counselor so that you can work through things that come up. I know that I've found counseling to be helpful in my life and you know the family counseling we had was a great help to us all."

I am SO sick of hearing how bad of person he is. He's had what? 5 relationships in his life? How is that SO awful? He's 24 years old. I know MANY people that have had FAR more relationships than that and their younger!! He never got some girl pregnant while he was in high school, he never did drugs, he graduated from high school, he went to college, he was in the air force, and just plain simply one of THE most wonderful person that I've ever met. For you to sit here and bash him the way that you have, for you to say the awful things about him the way that you have, for you to make him out to be some AWFUL person, is just plain pathetic. It's a true testament to the fact that you are so completely upset that you CANNOT control his life anymore!! You will have to accept the fact that he is a grown MAN, not a little boy any longer.

I'm SO angry at the way this man has been treated. There is NO justification for what he's had to go through. If you only knew the person that he's become, if you could only see the way he is in our home, if you could see how him and the kids are with each other, if you actually KNEW who he is, you would have to eat your damn words. At this point, I don't really care how ANY of you feel about ME. I've never been a part of your lives, and I'm fine to stay that way. I have my own family, a family that does NOT judge based on mistakes, understands that we are all HUMAN and that yes, surprisingly we're not all perfect little creatures. And it's a family that has openly accepted this man into their lives without question, simply because he loves me, and I love him. Hate me all you want. But please, for the love of God, please stop treating him like shit. He DOES NOT deserve this!! Just please stop with all the disgust and anger towards him. You are tearing him apart and I just CANNOT sit back and watch this happen any longer.

This Is What It Is....

Like it or leave it, this man is my life. There is NO way for anyone to understand what is there between him and I. There is NO way for anyone outside of this family to understand what is there between us.

We are a TRUE family. There are no conditions here. It's not a "I don't agree with what you're doing with your life so I'm going to be an asshole to you now". I may not agree with some of the decisions my family makes, but god damn it, they are MY family, and I love these crazy people UNCONDITIONALLY!! And that's why we will ALWAYS be a closer knit family than most. When it comes down to it, we stand together through it all, we've got each other's back, and will always support each other. That's what a REAL family does. It's like my cousin Jess says, we're the damn nails that holds this house together, and without us, you would be nothing more than just a pretty stack of wood.

It's just simple. You don't contact me and tell me what a loser my man is. You will NOT contact me simply to bad mouth the man that I consider my husband. I will NOT stand for that. I expect that you should be able to understand that. If I contacted you and told you what a loser or a liar, or how worthless your significant other is, I would expect you to react the same way if you felt even half of the love that I feel for this man. DO NOT tell me that I am going to need luck. If you think it's going to take LUCK to make a relationship work, you obviously do not have that great of a relationship yourself. Or you just don't understand what a relationship is all about.

I don't know how to put it to you any clearer. I love this man so much. You hurt him, you hurt me. Any pain that he's in, I feel just as much. This man is my life, and if he is going to have to face a loved one's death, you're damn sure I'm not sending him off to face it alone. I will be here, by his side to help him through this time. THAT'S why I had to come to Baltimore with him. It was NEVER about our money situation, because we are doing JUST fine, thank you. I don't believe he's had to call you AT ALL in the last 8 months to ask for money to help out with ANYTHING. And he was NOT asking you to pay for ME, I am fully capable of paying for myself, thank you! It was simply the timing of the situation. Again, it would have been nice for you to have gotten the whole story first instead of making snap judgments, you would have gotten that. Considering that we had just paid all our bills current and did not have enough cash at that very moment to purchase a ticket to come see someone that he cares very much about in what is their last moments, does NOT mean that we are financially struggling. That is NOT the case. It would have been nice if you could have understood that. It would have been nice if you could have understood WHY I wanted to be here for him during this trying time.

I see the pain in his eyes every single time he gets cut down by the very people that claim to love him SO much. I see the tears that he tries in vain to hide when he receives these emails and voice mails. I might not know anything about your relationship, but I know everything about the way that you make him feel. And I don't like it one bit. He may have "torn your heart out", but guess what? Children do that. It's our job as parent's to be the pillars that they need in their lives. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, if he has issues with relationships, it stems from what he was shown as a child. I think there are some people that have thrown words out there that need to take a long hard look in a mirror.

Trashing the two parents that have consistently stood by him NO MATTER what, really is not helping anyone's case in this matter. At least they had the decency to see through the lies and the deception and distance themselves from the person who instigated ALL, and I do mean ALL of this!! Kudos for you for choosing this woman over your own flesh and blood. I'm sure that it'll be a GREAT decision for you later on in life. While you were here being all weary of "yet another" relationship that he was in, the very people that you have consistently put down were reaching out to me and getting to know me and welcoming me into their family. I know that I'll never live up to the expectations and image of the woman that ripped his heart out, I wasn't the one that was selected for him to marry. He selected me on HIS OWN. I know it's hard to admit that you were wrong about someone, but honestly, there comes a time when one needs to swallow their damn pride and admit they were wrong. To ignore that fact and keep moving forward as if nothing was wrong is not only ignorant, it's inconsiderate to the victims. Namely, your son. For you to be completely oblivious to the pain that you've caused is him is not only disgusting, but it's just plain bad parenting.

As far as his little sister and his little brother, if he even HAS time to stop by now, which he will be doing without me, I distinctly remember him asking you to NOT tell them he was in town. Not only because he wanted to surprise them, but also just in case something happened and we were not given the time to come by. He has NEVER wanted to hurt his little brother or sister, and quite frankly, about the ONLY reason at this point that we would have stopped by would have been to see them. Remember, you've betrayed him by allowing that woman into your life.
That pain and betrayal that you're feeling now because we are staying with Dave and Marylou? Imagine THAT--only magnified immensely. That's what you've done to him by allowing that woman into your home and allowing her to parade that product of her infidelity through out his family. That child stands as nothing more than a constant reminder of what she did to him. Your refusal to acknowledge the pain that you've caused him is astonishing.

I refuse to acknowledge the comment about his infidelity. I have forgiven his transgression, and we have moved on, and we will be stronger for this. I'm well aware that this makes me a much bigger person than he is, as he was not able to forgive her for what she did to him. But quite frankly, he was MISERABLE with her. Why do you think he tried to commit suicide? Why do you think he was getting discharged from the military? Because he was away from his family? Not even close. He was simply MISERABLE with a woman who cut him down every opportunity that she got, controlled him the way a controlling husband would a wife, and was just a horrible person to him. Why do you think he doesn't come visit Baltimore more often? Why do you think he refuses to entertain even the idea of EVER moving back to this side of the country? Because every single time he comes here, he CANNOT get away from that woman. And now she's trying to go after him for child support for a child that she KNOWS is not his!! The audacity. I just WISH I could be here to see the look on her face when the paternity test results come back.

I may be dead to you. I'm fine with that. I was never alive to you to begin with. The simple fact that I have been a CONSTANT part of this man's life for the last 8 months, that he is an active part in my children's lives, that my children love him as much as they do, and for you to completely ignore our existence speaks in immense terms. The fact that your so willing to accept that child into your life as if your were it's biological grandparent, and not ever give a second thought to the 4 children in Alaska that were told SO much of their "Grandma" in Baltimore that they constantly ask if and when they are going to meet her, speaks SO much to me. I may be dead to you, but you will NEVER be a grandmother to these children that Joe and I love so dearly. You had a shot at 4 loving, wonderful, smart, and completely incredible grandchildren. That will NEVER happen now. I will make damn sure that the person who hurt their step-dad as much as this, NEVER gets the chance to hurt them.

I will say this. The simple fact that I am NOT sitting idly by watching all this happen from the sidelines should speak very LOUDLY to how much I love this man. I only hope that SOMEDAY you will be able to see that.

I'm very aware of Joe's history. I'm well aware of his relationship history. Honestly, I don't feel the need to judge ANYONE, as that is NOT my job, it's a job that only ONE person can do, and that would be GOD. No one has the right to judge or place judgment on anyone. If God has the capacity to forgive and love in the way that he does, than so do I. I am so thankful that we have such a great community church that we can turn to at this time.

I'm sorry that things had to get this ugly. I'm very sorry that Joe has to go through the pain that he's going through. I wish that things could have been better. Unfortunately that's not that path some people have chosen to take. Insisting that I not come with him to Baltimore would have been the first step. Not being able to understand why I would want to come and stand beside the person I love when a family member of his is dying. Maybe someday you'll be able to understand that. Maybe one day when you'll have to face the pain of someone you care about passing away and you want your spouse to be there with you because you're not quite sure if you're going to be able to handle it on your own. Maybe then you'll be able to understand. As I stated before, there was never a question of you paying for ME. I HAD my ticket. And thankfully MY parents have been completely open and understanding, and despite ALL the times that they have had to help me out throughout my life, ALL the times that they have supported me in my life, and yes, despite ALL the times that I have hurt my parents, they were MORE than willing to get the second ticket for Joe WITHOUT hesitation.

I will close with this. Next week you will be receiving an envelope with the $300 that you so "willingly" paid for whatever girl to see him graduate. If there's any OTHER money that's owed that you feel you desperately need back, please, let me know. I'll make sure that you get it back. Lord knows, we really don't need THAT handing over our heads any longer.

Another Drama In My Life That Was Unasked For...

For those of you out there reading this, I just want to say. When you shit on your own child, you can't expect them to come running back for more.

I was well aware of the plan to come over on Tuesday, however, if you had the whole story before making a judgment call and deeply wounding the very person that you claim to love so much, maybe you wouldn't have made such asses of yourselves. We've been stranded in this home since Monday night due to the serpentine belt on the car that we were using going out on Tuesday morning. If either one of had had the sense of mind to remember to pack our cell phone chargers in our luggage before our hurried trip to Baltimore, maybe the cell phone wouldn't have died and he would have been able to receive your calls, called you back, or even heard the voice mails before you had to make it ugly.

You're decision to turn your back on the son that you claim to love so deeply, to take sides with the woman who ripped his heart out of his chest and has shown absolutely NO remorse for it, for not understanding why he couldn't bring himself to look that child in the face every single day and be reminded of the infidelity that was committed against him, to refuse to understand why he would not want to spend the rest of his life with someone that he was so miserable with, and to turn your back on his happiness, that is YOUR decision. If you can't understand that life is exactly what happens when you're busy making plans, that's YOUR choice. However, do NOT hold it against him when he decides that he doesn't want that conniving, sneaky, two-faced, little whore in his life. Or that child. That is HIS decision, and it's HIS life. Hate it as much as you want, you CANNOT and WILL NOT control his life ANYMORE!

You're job as a parent, as a REAL, LOVING, and TRUE parent, is to be there for your child. Not the person that hurt them SO deeply. And that's the path that YOU have chosen to take. You are solely responsible for the wedge that has been driven in between you and this wonderful man.

If you can't accept the fact that he has moved on, the fact that he is far happier now than he EVER has been in his life, that's your problem and I pity you. I just can't understand how you can not only turn your back on your own child, but how you could drive such a deep knife into his back at the same time. As a mother, I will NEVER do that to my child. Your decision to keep that woman and the product of her infidelity in your life on such an active basis is your own decision. But just know that you have now hurt this man deeper than she could have ever hurt him. He's your own flesh and blood. That's just sick.

I don't even know what else to say to you. Other than to let you know that you have personally caused his very first stress induced seizure of this trip. Congratulations. I hope that you're all VERY happy with yourselves.

I love this man more than I've ever experienced in my life, and for you to react and say everything that you've said, it honestly turns my stomach. I will be here for him as I have been so far, and I will always continue to be here for him. Not just when it's convenient for you. This is the man that I have waited for SO long to come into my life, and like it or leave it, with or without your blessing, we will be getting married when all is said and done. Don't expect an invitation.

You've done nothing but show me your true colors without ever even having to meet you. Thank you for that. Now at least I know I don't even need to waste my time.

In Baltimore

So we came to Baltimore, together. We're here to visit with his Grandmother, who has brain cancer and isn't doing so well. While I'm here I want to do some sight seeing, especially in D.C. so I can see the monuments, and the White House, and all that fun stuff.

Things have been pretty good between us. His family is awesome. Well, most of his family anyway. I wish that I could say his Mother and Step-Father were half as awesome as his Father and Step-Mother. It would have been nice if they had at least given me half a chance before making up their minds about me.

There's been a few things that have popped up while we're here that have kind of bugged me. Like when I received a text message from a close family friend that asked if I was going to leave him here and he got all upset about it, saying that person doesn't know him, and that it wasn't a nice thing to say. I tried to explain to him that it's a close family friend that knows about what happened between us, and was just making a smart-ass comment. He reiterated that it wasn't a nice thing to say, at which point I snapped and remarked that what he did wasn't a nice thing to do to me. It just kind seemed like he didn't really get it. He's been getting overly jealous of people that he knows I'm good friends with, nothing more. We had talked about it before coming here, when we thought I was still going to be going to Vegas. We had agreed that until I left for Vegas that I wouldn't spend so much time talking to them, and that I would be paying him more attention so it was easier for him to accept that I would be going to Vegas without him. Then the plan changed and we both came to Baltimore. Somehow he expected the plan to stay the same. I haven't really been talking to them that much, but when I do send or receive the occasional text message he gets all moody and jealous. And it's honestly just a little too much for me to deal with at times. But I'm here in Baltimore to enjoy myself and get myself away from all of that, so I am trying like hell to ignore it and relax and just enjoy my little "vacation".

Then he's been pressuring me for sex while we're here, which I am NOT comfortable with AT ALL. We're staying in his step-mom and dad's house, sleeping on his brothers bed, in a tiny little house, with no doors on the bedrooms. And he wants to have sex with his little brother asleep in the next room and his parents in the next room over. I'm NOT comfortable with that at all, and he doesn't seem to get it. It annoys me. (Don't get me wrong, this is very lovely home!! It's just a lot smaller than what I'm used to in Alaska. Then again, we don't have even half he population of Baltimore, and we have a lot more land area, so we don't have the need to pack people in!)

I dunno. I just wanna make it through this week without losing my mind, or going off on him. Please let me make it.

My decision has been made....

I honestly love this man. What he did to me caused me more pain than I've ever felt in my life, short of being cut off from my children for those two years that their father took them from me. But the fact remains that I love this man. And despite his mistake, I know that he loves me just as much.

Many wouldn't be able to understand my decision to stay with him and try to work past this. Many wouldn't be able to understand my decision to try and forgive him for this. Many will never understand the absolute remorse I see in his eyes when he looks at me. No one will ever understand the love that stands between us, holding us together, even through something like this.

I've come to see who my absolute true friends are with this. Those that truly love me and truly care for me have all stated the same thing over and over again. "No matter what you decide to do, no matter how you decide to handle this, we love you, and all that we want is for you to be happy, and if this is what you feel is going to be best for you, we support your decision to the end." That's not to say that there aren't a LOT of people out there that aren't angry as hell at him for this, but because of their love for me, they are going to make the effort alongside me to move past this and forgive.

It's just as simple as the fact that this time, THIS time I have honestly found LOVE. The kind that you really search your whole damn life for. This is the kind of love that you hear about in songs, read about in books, and see in the movies. There is NO doubt in my mind that this is honestly the man that God sent forth for me AND my family. I love him, and you know what? I know that he loves me, and I have NO doubt in my mind that we will NEVER have to face this kind of pain again. No matter what life or assholes decide to throw our way, this is what was meant to be.

No matter what some people's opinion may be, I know that this is right. For me to be able to move so easily back into our normal life's, after facing the unbearable pain of being without this man, this absolute love of my life, to be able to forgive him for his transgressions, and I do mean fully forgive him, speaks loud and clear to my soul.

Like it or leave it, we stand together. We do simply come as a package. You will NOT find one without the other. When a family member is sick and needs us, you will find us there together. We are here to support each other through the tough times, to hold each other up through hard times, and to rejoice together during the happy times.

Simply put, I love this man. Accept it or not, it will not change my mind. Throw as much as you like at us, for together through the storms we will only emerge stronger. Keep piling it on me Lord, my back will always be strong enough to carry whatever load you've asked me to carry.

His Second Letter.....

Tammy,

I realize that I'm not going to be able to know how much I've hurt you. If I could take that pain away from you, I would give up anything to do that. You are not ugly. You are not worthless. You are the most incredible person to EVER walk into my life. I allowed myself to become infatuated with someone else. It is because of NOTHING that you did. You deserve the absolute best of me, and for the last month and a half you got the absolute worst of me. I cannot express to you how sorry that I am for everything that I did to you, and all of the pain I am causing you to feel. You absolutely gave me everything. You did absolutely everything for me. I violated you in the worst possible way. I own all of it. I truely and deeply apologize. There is no way to tell you how sorry that I am, and to show you that I wish that I could.

I will not say anymore how awful I feel. I wanted you to know so you could have some idea to how sorry I am. But I have no right to put that on you. I was in no way attempting to make you feel guilty about the way that you feel. You have every right to despise me. I did feel guilty the entire time. That should have been enough to stop my actions. Now, I am fully and completely aware of what I did has done to us. I should've realized it then. I took you and our relationship completely for granted. There is no end to the amount of regret I carry with me.

I know that because of what I did, my words carry no meaning at all. I know that you have no trust in me at all. That is a consequence of what I've done. I accept that. However, I love you SO much, despite what I did might say. I will do whatever it takes to get through this with you if you decide to give me another chance. I understand that it's a difficult decision for you. I understand that deciding to continue with me is the much more difficult path to walk. I know it is asking so much of you when I have no place to ask it. I'm asking, though, if you would take another chance on me. I will go to counseling for my issues with being so dependant on that kind of attention. I will go to counseling with you. I will delete all of the contacts on Yahoo! and block all of them, and delete it from the computer. I will provide full access to every account I have for your to inspect any time you feel the slightest bit of doubt. I will sit with you and delete any contact on Myspace that you do not feel comfortable with. I will only use MySpace IM at work to communicate with you. I will change my cell phone number and only give it to people you're okay with having it. I will not go to a strip club again without you. If Mike and I go out alone, it will only be to places you don't mind me going to. I will not get jealous over any guy friends that you have. I will, with this paycheck, buy a ring and wear it to symbolize and remind me constantly of all these promises I am making you, and to symbolize the goal of one day being your husband. And I will go to church on the weekends and become active there again.

I have been such a terrible personto you over the last month and a half. I'm going to pour all of my energy into becoming a MAN, whether you decide to stay with me, or whether you decide to tell me to go. I want so badly to hold you again, to rub your back at night and play with your hair, to laugh with you, to whack you for license plates (I let a Maryland plate go on the way home from work), to cheer with you, to lift you up when you're down, to BE with you, to be a family with you again. All I can do is tell you how sorry I am for what I've done, VOW to you to change everything, and to ask you, again, to forgive me and move on through this with me. Please, Tammy, forgive me and let me become the man that you deserve by your side.

Love,
JD

My Response To The First Letter.....

You're absolutely right when you say you've caused me more pain than I can express to you. You have absolutely NO idea what you've done to me!

Because of you, I can't sleep in my own bed. Because of you, I can't sit in my own bedroom. Because of you, I now feel completely uncomfortable in my own home. I feel dirty and used. I feel worthless. I feel ugly.

I loved you so deeply. I gave you everything I possibly could have. I did everything I could for you! I opened up not only my heart, but my home, my life, and my FAMILY to you, and you betrayed that. I brought you into my children's lives. And you betrayed that. You have violated me in such a way that goes above and beyond rape.

It makes me angry to hear you say how awful you feel, it makes my blood boil when you sit there and get down on yourself. You have absolutely NO right to tell me how awful YOU feel! You didn't feel that bad about it when you were so actively persuing another woman!! You didn't feel so bad when you were trying to get another woman to have sex with you! You didn't feel so bad when you were lying to me about EVERYTHING!! I don't doubt that you may have felt some guilt about it, but you sure as hell didn't feel THAT bad about it, otherwise you never would have continued with it!!

I feel so fucking lost right now. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I love you SO much!!I was going to get my tubes untied just for you. I was going to pay for your damn divorce just so we could get married.

You have no idea of what kind of conflict is raging inside me!! I want to work with you on this and try to get past it, but I have NO trust in you now! I can't look at you. I want you to wrap your arms around me and comfort me, but the thought of you touching me absolutely repulses me right now.

I desperately need some time away from you to figure out what I need, what I want to do now. But because I'm a fucking doormat, too compassionate of a fucking person, I won't kick you out of the house. I know that you have NO WHERE to go, no where to stay, and I am a much better person that one that would throw you out on the streets to live in your broken down car.

I AM the bigger person in all of this.

The First Letter From Him....

Tammy,

I don't even know where to begin. I know that my actions over the last couple of weeks has crushed and hurt you in ways you can't even express to me. Sorry doesn't begin to ease that, but I cannot express how sorry I am to you. And it's not an "I'm sorry I got caught". I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and the damage I've done to a relationship we've spent the last 7 months building.

I know you don't care at all about how I feel right now, but I feel worthless, pathetic, destructive, disgusted... all rolled into one. I've become my fucking father. This is the shit my dad has done in his relationships and here I am making the same mistake. You deserve so much more than what I've given to you the last month and a half. I'm sorry I was too weak to be the man you deserve.

Right now it's so fucking hard living with myself knowing the pain that I've caused you. I would so much rather not exist than live with the knowledge of what I've done to you. I feel so dead inside. I'm so fucking lost and empty without you, and I never EVER should taken that for granted. I absolutely do not deserve you. I did you so wrong in so many ways, and I deserve absolutely nothing.

I realize that it's going to take a long time to get things back to being right, if you decide to give me that chance at all. I will do whatever if takes to help both of us move past the awful, disgusting things I've done. I am truely begging for your forgiveness, though I know I don't deserve it. I want nothing more in the world than to be able to hold you again and be close you. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I accept full responsibility for what I did, and I'm pleading for you to forgive me and truely move on with me beyond this. I know I'm asking a lot. I'm probably asking for too much. But I'm asking you because I love you. I made a terrible, extreme mistake. I would give anything to take it back. I would give anything to make you happy and smile. I would give anything to hold you and rub your back and play with your hair. I took you for granted and I am so completely sorry for everything I've done and every bit of pain I've made you feel. I wish I could take it all away.

I love you, and you absolutely mean everything to me, despite what my actions have shown you lately. Please give me another chance to show you that you are my everything.

Love,
JD

I'm Lost.....

I don't even know where to begin here.



I thought he loved me. I thought he was perfect. I thought that what we had could possibly be the kind of thing to last.



I guess I was wrong. Again.



I guess the only real difference in this one, is that I am actually having a hard time with making the decision of wether or not we are going to try and move past this, or just end the relationship. Anytime in the past if this had happened, there would be no question of wether or not I would end the relationship. He would be gone after doing that to me. Especially on this kind of a level. Especially after violating the sacred area that is my home, my bedroom, my bed.



I do not want to be the doormat. I've worked very hard to become this independant, strong woman that everyone sees today. I was the meek, hidden, scared little housewife at one point. I was the neglected partner, the woman who turned a blind eye to her husbands infidelities. Never again will I be that woman. Never again will I so easily forgive the eagerness to cause me so much pain.



I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around this one. How could this have happened? I gave him everything I had. I gave him all of me. I gave him everything he wanted. I did everything for him. I practically worshipped the damn ground he walked on. Wait..... Is this what it feels like for all those nice guys out there? You know, the ones that are honestly GOOD guys? The ones that get dumped by women all the time because they're "boring"? Is that what I'm the equivalent to? I'm sitting here thinking about it, and I've always wondered how so many guys could leave me and go back to their crazy psycho ex's. Is there some unknown excitment to be found in a nagging, bitchy woman?



It's so hard to make this kind of decision. I have to ask myself if it's really worth the pain. Is it going to be worth all the pain to sit here and try and move past the hurt, the betrayal, the mistrust. Because it would be SO easy for my to just say I'm done, we're done, and move on. The pain would go away so much faster that way. But at the same time, I have to sit here and ask myself if our entire relationship has been that false. Because I know that I what I felt was so genuine, so pure, and so unlike anything I've experienced in the past. I have to ask myself if I can truely forgive him and move on and try to make this work. Because if I find that I can't forgive him for this, it really isn't going to be fair to either one of us to waste our time trying to make something work that is only going to wind up making both of us miserable for an extended amount of time. And I know damn well that I deserve to be happy, for once in my damn life, I deserve to be fucking happy!!







What makes it even harder is the fact that pretty much everyone I know is telling me that I just need to be done with him and move on. Suddenly, all the guys that had been respecting our relationship and keeping an eye on me from a distance are coming out of nowhere. I have to admit that I do like the attention, but I also realize that it's only because I'm hurt, and my self-esteem has been shot to shit again. I really don't want to do the whole rebound thing, those never go good. It's just hard because I swear all of my TRUE friends are just as shocked that this happened, and it's very much like every single one of them is feeling the betrayal just as deeply as I am. One of my great friends actually said something profound to me, and I have to say that it stunned the hell out of me. She said "You already gave him your heart, don't give him your pain." Wow. These are my friends. My REAL friends. I would have nothing if I didn't have these wonderful, amazing, people in my life.



I'm just so damn confused. I do love him. Still. But it breaks my heart so much when I think about what he did to me, and how easily he was able to do it. The lies came out like air. The stolen moments away from me, they were so easy for him to arrange. I honestly feel dirty. I can't help but think that there were other women, and it makes me feel like I honestly need to go see my doctor and get an exam to make sure that I'm still the healthy person that I was when we first started dating. He can tell me until he's blue in the face that there weren't any other women, that he's never cheated before, but I can't bring myself to believe that. I just can't let go of the fact that he handled himself like a pro, covering his tracks so well. Lying to me so easily. Coming up with stories so easily. His biggest mistake was that he did it with someone that I had considered a friend. Someone that I actually spent time with. Somebody that I thought I knew. The betrayal level goes so much deeper with that. I was betrayed on both ends. The person you usually turn to in a situation like this is your friends, and when you find out that one of your friends did something like this to you, it just deepens that pain.



I can't help but think that this is all for the best. I have never been able to let go of my optimistic attitude about everything, despite everything that's happened to me in my life. Raped and molested as a very young child, abused physically, sexually, and emotionally by my first husband, raped several times as a young adult, abandoned by my second husband, and so on and so on and so much more.... I've still never been able to let go of my positive attitude. That which does not kill me will only make me stronger, and trust me, at this point I'm one hell of a damn fighter.



I've always firmly believed that everything happens for a reason, and though I might not yet know what the reason is for this, I know that there is one. I have a serious lesson to learn in all this, as does he. What it is, I haven't yet figured out. But I will. I figure this is why we continuously were getting turned down for every house we applied for. It would have been awful to have signed a lease and then find out about this once we were locked into a lease together. I've already extended myself out there enough to have to go through that ugly mess.

What Am I Doing?

This break up between Dave and I is starting to get really ugly.

He wants to fight me for custody now, but only for our son. How can people pick and choose which child they want to fight for, and which child they don't? How can you swear to the state of Alaska that you are the father of two children, then only ask for custody of one? How do people make this decision? I don't understand it.

I've told him that I'll share physical custody, but I will not share legal custody. He can't make legal decisions for himself, let alone a 2 year old. But he doesn't understand that, and wants to fight it out. And when I ask him why he would do this to me, having promised me that he would never put me through this, his response? "You promised me that you wanted to be with me and would love me forever. You broke that promise." Sounds to me like he is doing this just to get back at me for ending our relationship.

After all the legal fighting over Jennifer, I swore I wasn't going to do it again. I really didn't want to have another child, just to drag them through this again. But then we had Aaron. And in the beginning, everything was perfect, it was the most wonderful relationship, it seemed like I had found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. Life was wonderful.

Then, the relationship started to fall apart. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, we both knew it. It really was only a matter of time at that point. We both knew that we were heading for a break-up. Then the accident happened, and there was a small glimmer of hope for us. Then he got better and came home, and I realized that I couldn't continue to lie to myself and everyone else around us. I truely was sacrificing my happiness out of nothing more than a deep sense of obligation at that point, and it wasn't fair to either of us. It had to end.

I'm so angry right now, but ontop of the anger is this massive feeling of sadness. Did it really need to come to this? Did the kids really need to get drug into the middle of all this? Am I setting myself up to go through this again?

How can I possibly enter into yet another relationship, with hopes and dreams, and those wonderful feelings of "This is the one!" when I've been there before. That euphoria is the strongest drug imaginable to mankind. It's makes us make decisions that, if left to our own devices without that feeling, would never make. It leads us down paths towards destruction of unimaginable consequences. And yet, for whatever reason compels us, we walk down those war-torn paths that too many to count have headed down before us, the entire time with these silly, puppy-dog grins on our faces, oblivious to the pain that lay before our very eyes.

I sit here, with my 2 year old son playing with his trucks on the floor behind me, his sweet high pitched child voice making the sounds of the trucks as they rumble past his knees, and I think about the future. What in the world could it possibly hold for this sweet, innocent child. He's going to grow up in seperate households, have 2 different families, and have 2 seperate lives. How is this going to affect my child? How can I possibly consider bringing another man into the lives of these 4 children? How can I risk exposing them to the pain of yet another man who walks away? Thank God I got my tubes tied, because I cannot face the pain of yet someone else who will stand there like they're staring at a vending machine, going "I think I'll take the one that matches my DNA. Nah, someone else will get the others later. I'll just take that one, the one right there, that still has some sort of hope for the future left in his eyes." How can you possibly let some child call you Daddy, and then turn your back on them? It must be in the genetic code, because I damn sure could NEVER let a child call me Mommy and then just walk away.

The part that really brings tears to my eyes, is knowing that this is the second time this has happened that bright, beautiful little girl, who despite being walked out on twice now, still has this absolutely amazing love of life, and this brilliantly bright smile, and the most infectious laugh. She has this amazing resilience inside her that I have no doubt will get her pretty damn far in life. She has the strength of her mother inside her!

I think of all the times recently when my 11 year old and I have discussed life and love. She is deeply worried about the prospect of her mother getting into yet another relationship and it ending the same way. She is worried about seeing her mother winding up getting hurt again, more so than she really should be. One of the things that I've been trying to stress to her, is that life is full of pain, but it's the pain that reminds us that we are alive and that we have a choice, it makes us appreciate the happiness a lot more than those never experience the pain. You can't live your life afraid of getting hurt again, you can't live your life never taking chances. Because if you do, you're not really living. It's all in the choices that we make in life. Every single decision that we have made in our lives has led us right to this moment in time, and I can't think anything other than the fact that it has all happened for a specific reason. Every single moment in my life has had some lesson to be learned from.

That's why I have to pick my head up and trudge forth. Carry on and all that good stuff. I can't give advice to an 11 year old that I'm not willing to live by myself, you know. Yes, there has been an incredible amount of pain in my life, this particular road that I have decided to travel down is littered with explosions, there's been many, many craters that I've had to cross. And I'm not naive enough to think that this road is going to suddenly turn into some fabulously paved road with nothing but flowers along the side and clear blue skies ahead. I pick my head up and see the ravaged road ahead of me, knowing there's still a great deal of pain left to be felt in this lifetime. But I also see the areas where the sun comes out, and shines down on sections that still have some asphalt left. If I squint, I think I can even see some patches of wildflowers down there too.

I've Got To Be Honest With Myself...

I spent 5 years in a relationship with a man who controlled every aspect of my life, and when I finally found the strength to break those chains, I found myself deeply longing for the comfort of a partner. Having never been on my own, I was young, and I realized just how big this world is, and I felt completely alone. I spent many years going from relationship to relationship, trying to avoid that lonely feeling. One year I realized that each time I got into a relationship, I found myself longing to be alone. And then finally I gained enough courage to actually live out there on my own. I learned a lot about myself during that time, became a lot more comfortable with the person I am. It was after I had spent some time alone with myself, when I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship that I fell in love with an old friend.

We spent 3 wonderful, albeit sometimes tough, years together. Then, like any good tragedy, he was ripped away from me in an instant. He may not have died, but he might as well have. He came back a completely different person, memories ripped from his brain--he doesn't remember some of the most important moments in our relationship--it was like he had been replaced with someone new. Kind of like in the movies, when one person dies, but the hospital keeps the body alive and in the meantime up in heaven or wherever, there's a soul that takes over the body. That's what it seemed like, and it was extremely painful, the entire process.

I spent every day and every night for a month sitting beside his bed, holding his hand when the doctors would let me, talking softly to him, reading to him from his favorite book, and tracking his progress, or lack thereof. I was there when he opened his eyes, and it was so hard at that moment because he couldn't talk with the breathing tube still in place. For a week after he woke up they still had the breathing and feeding tubes in place because his body and his brain was too weak to handle it on their own. I was there when they took the breathing tube out the first time, I watched as his body began to tire out and they had to put it back in. I was there when they removed it for good. I was there when he spent the next week talking and yelling complete gibberish because his mind was so scrambled. I was there through the next months recovery phase and intense therapy, the memory lapses, having to remind him who I was and where he was and why. Every five minutes having to repeat what you just told him. I spent every spare moment I could at the hospital, torn between staying with him and being at home with our children. I was there when his mother was looking at assisted living facilities for him to go to after discharge, and I was there at the meeting with all of the doctors and the family discussing where he would be going, and I was the one who fought to bring him home. I was the one who took a leave of absence from my job to take care of him and make sure his needs were getting met and that he was going to his therapy sessions.

Through it all, it wasn't until about 2 or 3 months after he came home, when the therapist said that they were cutting back his sessions because he had made so much progress and they didn't think he was going to be going for too much longer, that's when I realized he wasn't the same person. I held out though, always hoping that he was going to get better and be more like himself with time. Then the doctors said he would NEVER be the same person again. There was too much time in the coma, too much swelling in his brain. Still, I held out. It was so painful, there were times I had to literally lock myself in the bathroom and just sob. I spent a lot of time praying, but I never asked why. There was this huge weight that had been set on my shoulders, and I felt myself begin to crack. That first crack started to create more cracks, and finally, in January, the flood broke the wall, and it all came crashing down. I admitted myself into the hospital for 3 days. Then soon after I came home, we got into an argument and he did what I swore no man would EVER do to me again, he hit me. He didn't just hit me, he fought me in front of the kids, screaming like a raving maniac. I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I just knew it.

That's when it suddenly hit me that I was sacrificing my happiness out of a sense of obligation. It was like an out of body experience, because I was able to step back and look at myself, my home, my children, my life. I realized that things had spiraled way too far out of control at that point, and that it was up to me to correct these wrongs. I told him he had to move out. I told my job that things weren't right, and I quit. I focused more time on my kids, and my home, and myself. Suddenly this weight that was on my shoulders began to lift. My load was a lot lighter now. I went to dinner with a very good friend of mine, and she said that she could physically see a difference in me, that I was happier. I got my job back, exactly where and what I wanted all along, so that stress was gone.

I've dealt with so much loss in my life. It never surprises me when I find out that I've lost someone else. It hurts, that's for damn sure, but it's never a surprise. There are times when I want to just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Okay, I give up. I can't be brave anymore. I can't be strong anymore. Stop throwing this shit at me!" But then again, that brave, strong, determined person is everything that makes up who I am, and I am proud of the person I am.

So I guess, all I can say is "Thank you. May I have some more, please?" But I have one small request. Can you let me rest first, because I'm pretty exhausted from this last round!

Longing For Something I Can't Have...

I spent a fabulous weekend in Seattle with an amazing man that I've known for 5 years now, and he said his intentions were to sweep me off of my feet, if only for a weekend. He succeeded, but it's lasted longer than a weekend. I wake up in the morning thinking of him, spend all day with him flitting through my thoughts, and when I fall asleep at night, he's the one I dream of.

We recently had a conversation in which he said that we are not exclusive, that there is too much distance and time between us to hold me to anything. I want to be held to something, to him. I want to be able to refer to him as more than just a friend, or a bed partner. I want him.

Never have I felt so relaxed and at ease with someone the way I do with him. I'm so comfortable in my skin when I'm next to him. I can actually be quiet and not feel the need to fill the empty space with endless chatter. Even in a crowded restaurant with tons of background noise, the room seems to be as quiet as if it were just the two of us.

He has this amazingly charming personality that makes me want to cling to him. He has these deep eyes that normally would make me feel uncomfortable if it were someone else looking at me, but he always eases my tension with just a glance. There's this comforting safety to being with him, like nothing could harm me.

Before the trip he said some things to me that threw me for a loop. Here it was, I always thought of him as this guy who would never settle down, a deep commitment-phobia. I always knew I couldn't persuade him into a relationship, and I was happy with the situation we were in. It was comfortable, and I knew where I stood. But then, before my trip, he told me that he often thought of me, and that he frequently kicked himself in the ass for letting me slip through his fingers. When I told him that he must have changed, because before, he wasn't even close to being ready for any kind of relationship, he responded with "If you had stuck around for another 6 months, I would have been ready for anything." The day before my trip, I asked him if he was going to hold on to me this time, and he responded with "I didn't think I needed to.... Thought I had you." And I told him that he did. And he still does.

With all of the things that he said to me before the trip, and as amazing as he was during the trip, I can't bring myself to believe that he doesn't want more. But, knowing his past, what little of it I do know, I think he may be afraid of taking that route, afraid of getting hurt, or wasting his time, or whatever. Just afraid that it won't work out. And honestly, so am I, but I can't turn my back on a second chance for a missed opportunity. I know that it will be harder this time, with so many states in between us, and months in between when we can see each other again, but life isn't easy, and all the things that are worth it in life usually turn out to be hard to achieve or gain.

I definitely want to the chance to explore more of the possibility with this man, it's something that runs through my head quite frequently, but at the same time, I would be happy enough to keep what we've got now. Somehow, with this man, I'm able to be grateful for, and appreciate, the time we do spend together. I know enough not to push him, and I wouldn't want to anyway.

After all, I prefer it when I'm the one being pursued!

Some Mumblings Of A Lonely Soul

I've been through so much in life, I've seen everything from the miracle of birth to the loss of a loved one. I've been on every spectrum of the emotion meter, I've stood on the highest mountain of life, and dwelled in the deepest valley of pain.

Having figuretively traveled the entire globe of experience, I've developed an intense respect and appreciation for life, love, friends, family, and time. I'm constantly aware of the fact that no matter how much we like to think we are in control of our own lives, in reality, it can all be gone in less than a second. I take every experience in my life, and strive to learn from it, be it positive or negative, there has to be something to take from it!

I never turn my back on the chance the love someone, no matter the stakes. Some might think that I'm too quick to rush into a relationship, or that I'm too intense. However, as short as life is, I never pass up an opportunity. Yes, I'm putting myself at risk to be let down and hurt, but it's the pain that reminds us we are alive and it is where we draw our lessons from.

Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm having a hard time dealing with the silence in my home, and the emptiness in my bed. I see myself reaching out for someone to love me, and each time I do, I wind up holding my hand to the wind.

I long for someone that I can be quiet with, someone who I'm so comfortable with that I don't need to fill the silence with endless chatter. Someone I can go on endless drives with, with no intended destination. I yearn for someone who can ignite the fire within me and keep the fire stoked. Someone who knows exactly how to touch me, how to kiss me.

I know the perfect person, someone who matches this perfectly, however, the timing is all wrong with us. There's too much time in between us seeing each other to really hold each other to any kind of a commitment.

There are times in my life in which I wish I could just hit the reset button, just rewind and start over. But yet, I'm so incredibly happy with who I have turned out to be, that I ask if I would really take that chance if it was offered? I've survived incredible odds, and still maintained my positive outlook on life, and my trust of people. If I could change the past, I wouldn't know of the pain that exists in the world, giving myself the deep appreciation for joy that I contain today. Having all of the knowledge in my head that I've stored away, I would have to say that no, I wouldn't change a thing.

Fear Of God? I've Got Something Better....

I've had people tell me in the past that it's important to instill the "fear of God" into my children. No, I don't like that, because we believe in a loving God, so what I've instilled is something better. They have the "Fear of Mom" instilled in them.

Being a single mom, and having been a single mom for the majority of their lives, with the brief exception of a 4 year relationship, I have had to take on both the roles of the household. I am the fun, loving, gentle mom that everyone loves. But I'm also the disciplinarian, the one who lays down the law, and sets forth the all the ground-rules. There is none of that "Wait until your father gets home" b.s., it's straight forward in my home. They know when they've messed up, and they know they're gonna get caught and that it's better to come clean.

I might not be God, but I am the omnipotent and all encompassing mom. I know all, I see all, I hear all. There isn't a single area of my children's lives that I don't know what's going on. Some may say that I'm nosey, too strict, or over-protective, to which I say, yes, I am. I'm a parent, I'm supposed to be. It's my job as their protector to shield them from the evils of the world, and to protect them from themselves. It's what too many parent's in this modern world have forgotten they need to do. Too many children grew up with the whole "When I'm a parent, I won't act like that with my kids!" and they hold onto that until they do actually have their own kids, all the while never stopping to think about WHY their parents behaved that way!

Many parent's these days would like to pass the blame onto the media for the way their children behave. I agree, but not in the way you may think. I don't blame the media for the children's behavior directly, I blame the media for the information they put out to the parent's who then use that to raise their children, and therefore, because of the parent's lack of parenting, the children's behavior literally falls apart. Too many parent's these days are too quick to blame someone else for their children's poor behavior or discipline problems, but yet, they absolutely REFUSE to look in the mirror.

My children are some of the most well behaved, well mannered children that you will meet in these modern times. Always aware of the people around them, saying please and thank you as well as "Ma'am" and "Sir". Of course, they are not perfect little angels, they are children after all, and with as many siblings as they have (I have 2 girls and 2 boys for those that don't remember!), there is a lot of rivalry going on with them. But they have structure that so many households do not have these days. For instance, they know that the moment they come in the door from school, they are first to put their jackets and shoes away along with whatever other seasonal wear they have, then it's straight to the kitchen table to start on the homework. Once homework is done, it's on to the daily chores which each of them has to get done before they can turn on the t.v. or video games, or go outside to play. They also know that if they finish before another sibling is done, they need to go help out to get it done faster. It's not fair if one zooms through and turns on the t.v. while the others are still working. There is no straying from this routine, there is no lag time spent wanting to catch the last few minutes of a show. This is the law in the house, and it never gets broken, lest the judge and jury that is Mom will need to come out.

I have taught my children responsibility in that I don't remind them that their homework needs to be done, or to put it back in the backpack to go back to school. This was a lesson hard learned for some of my children, as bad grades due to laziness is NOT acceptable in my home. They know that when it comes to school work, it is their responsibility to make it sure it's done and gets back on forth when it's supposed to, not mine. My job is to be there to help them when they stumble with some of the work, but not to hold their hands through the whole process. We're preparing these young children to enter the real world, not day-care. It was also a hard learned lesson that they make sure to get me paperwork that is time sensitive, for example, field trip permission slips. There have been several times where my children did not get to join their class because they waited until the morning of the field trip, and I don't sign things at the last second.

Cleanliness is another issue. I don't really enforce the whole pick up after yourselves law, only because I don't have to anymore. My children know that if they want to keep their stuff, they better keep it picked up. My children know that I work extremely hard to buy them the things they want, but because I paid for it with my own money, I have absolutely NO problem throwing something away that was left on the floor. I do this on a daily basis. I keeps my house clean, and it keeps me sane. There is none of that "how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your things?" stress.

Some may think that my house is run like a tight little military boot camp, and you may have this image in your head of an extremely uptight home, but let me assure you that it is not. At any given moment you can stop into my home and see 4 very happy, deeply loved children. They are always laughing! We are a very close knit bunch, always knowing that we have each other even when the rest of the world seems to be failing us. It's not an uncommon occurrence now for my daughter to walk into my room each night and throw herself on my bed and begin to vent about what a bad day she had, and how her friends are mad at her, and how the boy she likes is a jerk, and how the teacher doesn't like her,... she pretty much a teenager now, so the mood swings come and go like a great Alaskan tide! But no matter how bad her day was, it never fails that I can throw my arms around, wipe away her tears, and tell her that this too, shall pass. I remind her that I love her more than anything this earth could ever give me, and no matter what, she'll make it through it. It's that close knit family that helps us all make it through the rough moments in life.

We all have our bad days, and sometimes we forget what we have. But in my home, it only takes a few moments on the bad days to remember that no matter what, we've got each other, and that's perfect.